Robert Benchley Quotes

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation.

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start.

Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.

The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.

It is one of the most discouraging experiences I have ever had, not forgetting the time when I winked at the Queen Mother in London once.

Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

She sleeps alone at last.

I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

The free-lance writer is one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

One, two, three / Buckle my shoe.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.

All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.

England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.

Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800.

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word
per piece or perhaps.

It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.

After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice.

If only those old walls could talk ... how boring they would be.

I haven't been abroad in so long that I almost speak English without an accent now.

The Great Arizona Desert is full of the bleaching bones of people who waited for me to start something.

You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.

If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.

Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one

Streets flooded. Please advise.

There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't.

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.

If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.

If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.

You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.

Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.

There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy ... should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty.

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.

People who begin sentences with "I may be old-fashioned but - " are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong.

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.

Work is a form of nervousness.