England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example. 
I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle. 
Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800. 
Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men. 
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word per piece or perhaps.
It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly. 
After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year. 
If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge. 
I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author. 
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. 
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. 
The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice. 
If only those old walls could talk ... how boring they would be. 
I haven't been abroad in so long that I almost speak English without an accent now. 
The Great Arizona Desert is full of the bleaching bones of people who waited for me to start something. 
You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health. 
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. 
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success. 
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. 
There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory. 
The only cure for a real hangover is death. 
There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either. 
If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out. 
Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper. 
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. 
Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one 
Streets flooded. Please advise. 
There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children. 
We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. 
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop. 
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. 
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. 
Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't. 
Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings. 
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation. 
If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls. 
If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios. 
You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains. 
Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria. 
Streets full of water. Please Advise. 
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. 
A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs. 
There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy ... should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty. 
The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty. 
People who begin sentences with "I may be old-fashioned but - " are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong. 
One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery. 
Work is a form of nervousness. 