Dennis Miller Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Dennis Miller on Wise Famous Quotes.

Dennis Miller quotes: When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
Dennis Miller quotes: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
Dennis Miller quotes: Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane. Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
Dennis Miller quotes: I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Dennis Miller quotes: Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it. Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.
Dennis Miller quotes: Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong. Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
Dennis Miller quotes: Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them. Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.
Dennis Miller quotes: And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking ... yeah, that's coming down. And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking ... yeah, that's coming down.
Dennis Miller quotes: In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted. In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.
Dennis Miller quotes: I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet. I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
Dennis Miller quotes: We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
Dennis Miller quotes: If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago. If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.
Dennis Miller quotes: I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks ... IN A STARBUCKS!!! I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks ... IN A STARBUCKS!!!
Dennis Miller quotes: Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Dennis Miller quotes: Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes! Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!
Dennis Miller quotes: Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week. Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.
Dennis Miller quotes: We are living in the era of the violent do-gooder. We are living in the era of the violent do-gooder.
Dennis Miller quotes: Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island. Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.
Dennis Miller quotes: When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy. When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.
Dennis Miller quotes: I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless. I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
Dennis Miller quotes: It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film. It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.
Dennis Miller quotes: Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds. Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.
Dennis Miller quotes: I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference. I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.
Dennis Miller quotes: That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO. That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.
Dennis Miller quotes: Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars. Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.
Dennis Miller quotes: Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.
Dennis Miller quotes: It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis. It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.
Dennis Miller quotes: The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic. The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.
Dennis Miller quotes: American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel. American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.
Dennis Miller quotes: Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program. Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.
Dennis Miller quotes: America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Dennis Miller quotes: Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet. Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.
Dennis Miller quotes: Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place. Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.
Dennis Miller quotes: The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night. The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.
Dennis Miller quotes: The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies. The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
Dennis Miller quotes: Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester. Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.
Dennis Miller quotes: Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours. Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
Dennis Miller quotes: That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena. That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.
Dennis Miller quotes: Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot. Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
Dennis Miller quotes: Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets! Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!
Dennis Miller quotes: Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble. Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.
Dennis Miller quotes: 10. Medicaid patients who bitch about $1 copay, then go up front and buy cigarettes & beer. 10. Medicaid patients who bitch about $1 copay, then go up front and buy cigarettes & beer.
Dennis Miller quotes: Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
Dennis Miller quotes: The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
Dennis Miller quotes: After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp. After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.
Dennis Miller quotes: How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching. How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.
Dennis Miller quotes: The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel. The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.
Dennis Miller quotes: I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless. I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.
Dennis Miller quotes: I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to. I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.
Dennis Miller quotes: Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Dennis Miller quotes: Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger. Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.
Dennis Miller quotes: Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts. Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.
Dennis Miller quotes: The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
Dennis Miller quotes: Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target? Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?
Dennis Miller quotes: A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George. A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.
Dennis Miller quotes: Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick. Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.
Dennis Miller quotes: Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was. Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.
Dennis Miller quotes: There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim. There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.
Dennis Miller quotes: The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle. The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.
Dennis Miller quotes: Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator
Dennis Miller quotes: The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop. The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.
Dennis Miller quotes: Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal. Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.
Dennis Miller quotes: Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians. Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
Dennis Miller quotes: A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.' A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'
Dennis Miller quotes: Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
Dennis Miller quotes: Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field. Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.
Dennis Miller quotes: The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists. The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.
Dennis Miller quotes: I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac. I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
Dennis Miller quotes: Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt. Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller quotes: I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Dennis Miller quotes: You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R. You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Dennis Miller quotes: I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party. I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
Dennis Miller quotes: Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day. Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.
Dennis Miller quotes: If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
Dennis Miller quotes: I'd rather be funny than wise. I'd rather be funny than wise.
Dennis Miller quotes: Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.' Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'
Dennis Miller quotes: I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller quotes: I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
Dennis Miller quotes: Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh? Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
Dennis Miller quotes: Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth. Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.
Dennis Miller quotes: But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile
Dennis Miller quotes: Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.
Dennis Miller quotes: Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dennis Miller quotes: What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis? What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?
Dennis Miller quotes: Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
Dennis Miller quotes: Remember, when you connect with another computer, you're connecting to every computer that computer has connected to. Remember, when you connect with another computer, you're connecting to every computer that computer has connected to.
Dennis Miller quotes: Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention. Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
Dennis Miller quotes: That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche. That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
Dennis Miller quotes: The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto. The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.
Dennis Miller quotes: Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today? Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?
Dennis Miller quotes: Sometimes you just have the thin the herd. Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.
Dennis Miller quotes: The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller quotes: One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
Dennis Miller quotes: I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
Dennis Miller quotes: Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks. Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.
Dennis Miller quotes: Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this." Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."
Dennis Miller quotes: Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?
Dennis Miller quotes: A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods. A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Dennis Miller quotes: I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless. I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Dennis Miller quotes: The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

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