Dennis Miller quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Dennis Miller

Dennis Miller Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Dennis Miller on Wise Famous Quotes.

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking ... yeah, that's coming down.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks ... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

We are living in the era of the violent do-gooder.

Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.

When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.

That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.

Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

10. Medicaid patients who bitch about $1 copay, then go up front and buy cigarettes & beer.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.

Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.

Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot.'

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.

The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.

I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Remember, when you connect with another computer, you're connecting to every computer that computer has connected to.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.

Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?

Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.