David Sedaris Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by David Sedaris
David Sedaris Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from David Sedaris on Wise Famous Quotes.
Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everyone wants those Turtles.
If some people are "outed," are other people "inned"? Can we say that someone has been "besided" or "overed"?
If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.
This grown man who now phones his father to say, Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.
If practiced correctly, generosity can induce feelings of shame, inadequacy, and even envy, to name just a few.
Boston's "That is good" is Berlin's "Das ist gut." It's an excellent way to start and leaves the listener thinking, 'Hey, Ich kann do dis.' :D
It was like watching someone you hate getting mugged: three seconds of hard-core violence, and when it was over you just wanted it to happen again.
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?
Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
Having spent my life trying to fit the will of others, I was unable to distinguish between what I enjoyed and what I thought I should enjoy.
Wants to set the world on fire, and if it can't happen by tomorrow morning at nine a.m., then life's just unfair and hardly worth living.
Now it seems cruel, abusive even, but this all happened before the invention of self-esteem, which, frankly, I think is a little overrated.
Half the people I know have dead animals in their freezers: reptiles, birds, mammals. Is that normal?
In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right.
If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or ... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done.
Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, And what would you like for Christmas?
It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in your hair.
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting.
Well, think about it," he said. "Exposing yourself to a girl is one thing. Doing it to a boy, though - the guy would have to be perverted.
I might reinvent myself to strangers, but to this day, as far as my family is concerned, I'm still the one most likely to set your house on fire.
Man ordering at Butera's deli/prepared-foods counter: "Hey, give me one of them chickens what spins around.
The beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentlest way, suggest that you have no talent.
The position was offered at the last minute, when the scheduled professor found a better-paying job delivering pizza.
For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it - isn't that what we've all been waiting for?
This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.
Whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.
The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were white.
That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you. Much work and someday, you talk pretty. People start love you soon. Maybe tomorrow, okay.
Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp.
He led me to the barn, where a Mexican man stood waiting for his turn at the shower. "Whole-aah, Toe-moss," he shouted.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
It was like seeing someone who wore a striped tie or parted his hair on the left - a detail, but not a telling one.
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.
I started writing when I was twenty. My first book came out when I was thirty-five. But I never expected that it would happen quickly.
Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you something to fucking kick about
Occasionally I'd tune in to a music station, but I always preferred the sound of people talking, even if the subject was something I didn't care about
Most of the blame goes to the director, who seems to have picked up her staging secrets from the school's crossing guard.
I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call "understanding" is basically just fantasizing.
I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things.