David Sedaris Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by David Sedaris

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David Sedaris Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from David Sedaris on Wise Famous Quotes.

David Sedaris quotes: Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everyone wants those Turtles. Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everyone wants those Turtles.
David Sedaris quotes: If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.
David Sedaris quotes: If some people are "outed," are other people "inned"? Can we say that someone has been "besided" or "overed"? If some people are "outed," are other people "inned"? Can we say that someone has been "besided" or "overed"?
David Sedaris quotes: It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking. It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
David Sedaris quotes: If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding. If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.
David Sedaris quotes: The problem isn't gaining weight, it's gaining it in the right place. The problem isn't gaining weight, it's gaining it in the right place.
David Sedaris quotes: Well, that's a hell of a reason to poison yourself. Well, that's a hell of a reason to poison yourself.
David Sedaris quotes: There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows. There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
David Sedaris quotes: This grown man who now phones his father to say, Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it. This grown man who now phones his father to say, Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.
David Sedaris quotes: If practiced correctly, generosity can induce feelings of shame, inadequacy, and even envy, to name just a few. If practiced correctly, generosity can induce feelings of shame, inadequacy, and even envy, to name just a few.
David Sedaris quotes: Boston's "That is good" is Berlin's "Das ist gut." It's an excellent way to start and leaves the listener thinking, 'Hey, Ich kann do dis.' :D Boston's "That is good" is Berlin's "Das ist gut." It's an excellent way to start and leaves the listener thinking, 'Hey, Ich kann do dis.' :D
David Sedaris quotes: Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.
David Sedaris quotes: It was like watching someone you hate getting mugged: three seconds of hard-core violence, and when it was over you just wanted it to happen again. It was like watching someone you hate getting mugged: three seconds of hard-core violence, and when it was over you just wanted it to happen again.
David Sedaris quotes: I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.
David Sedaris quotes: Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive. Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
David Sedaris quotes: He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone. He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone.
David Sedaris quotes: I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.
David Sedaris quotes: To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.
David Sedaris quotes: The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
David Sedaris quotes: Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked? Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?
David Sedaris quotes: Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about. Most people, or at least most of the people that I've come into contact with, would like to be written about.
David Sedaris quotes: Having spent my life trying to fit the will of others, I was unable to distinguish between what I enjoyed and what I thought I should enjoy. Having spent my life trying to fit the will of others, I was unable to distinguish between what I enjoyed and what I thought I should enjoy.
David Sedaris quotes: Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation. Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.
David Sedaris quotes: Wants to set the world on fire, and if it can't happen by tomorrow morning at nine a.m., then life's just unfair and hardly worth living. Wants to set the world on fire, and if it can't happen by tomorrow morning at nine a.m., then life's just unfair and hardly worth living.
David Sedaris quotes: Now it seems cruel, abusive even, but this all happened before the invention of self-esteem, which, frankly, I think is a little overrated. Now it seems cruel, abusive even, but this all happened before the invention of self-esteem, which, frankly, I think is a little overrated.
David Sedaris quotes: It's as though we had asked to have ice cubes in our wine, like, Ick, who are you? It's as though we had asked to have ice cubes in our wine, like, Ick, who are you?
David Sedaris quotes: Half the people I know have dead animals in their freezers: reptiles, birds, mammals. Is that normal? Half the people I know have dead animals in their freezers: reptiles, birds, mammals. Is that normal?
David Sedaris quotes: I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it. I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.
David Sedaris quotes: If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve. If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
David Sedaris quotes: I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything.
David Sedaris quotes: In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right. In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right.
David Sedaris quotes: If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or ... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done. If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or ... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done.
David Sedaris quotes: she was the human equivalent of a storm cloud. she was the human equivalent of a storm cloud.
David Sedaris quotes: Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, And what would you like for Christmas? Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, And what would you like for Christmas?
David Sedaris quotes: Even then that without them, I was nothing. Not a son or a brother but just a boy - and Even then that without them, I was nothing. Not a son or a brother but just a boy - and
David Sedaris quotes: It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate. It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.
David Sedaris quotes: When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
David Sedaris quotes: What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
David Sedaris quotes: If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in your hair. If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in your hair.
David Sedaris quotes: I see you that have a little swimming mouse I see you that have a little swimming mouse
David Sedaris quotes: He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us! He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
David Sedaris quotes: I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity. I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
David Sedaris quotes: People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American. People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
David Sedaris quotes: I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
David Sedaris quotes: At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface. At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
David Sedaris quotes: They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting. They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting.
David Sedaris quotes: Well, think about it," he said. "Exposing yourself to a girl is one thing. Doing it to a boy, though - the guy would have to be perverted. Well, think about it," he said. "Exposing yourself to a girl is one thing. Doing it to a boy, though - the guy would have to be perverted.
David Sedaris quotes: I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot. I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
David Sedaris quotes: That's what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top. That's what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.
David Sedaris quotes: I might reinvent myself to strangers, but to this day, as far as my family is concerned, I'm still the one most likely to set your house on fire. I might reinvent myself to strangers, but to this day, as far as my family is concerned, I'm still the one most likely to set your house on fire.
David Sedaris quotes: Man ordering at Butera's deli/prepared-foods counter: "Hey, give me one of them chickens what spins around. Man ordering at Butera's deli/prepared-foods counter: "Hey, give me one of them chickens what spins around.
David Sedaris quotes: The beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentlest way, suggest that you have no talent. The beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentlest way, suggest that you have no talent.
David Sedaris quotes: The position was offered at the last minute, when the scheduled professor found a better-paying job delivering pizza. The position was offered at the last minute, when the scheduled professor found a better-paying job delivering pizza.
David Sedaris quotes: All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments. All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
David Sedaris quotes: You haven't lived until you've sailed You haven't lived until you've sailed
David Sedaris quotes: For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it - isn't that what we've all been waiting for? For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it - isn't that what we've all been waiting for?
David Sedaris quotes: This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable. This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.
David Sedaris quotes: Owl love you forever Owl love you forever
David Sedaris quotes: Whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like. Whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.
David Sedaris quotes: The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were white. The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were white.
David Sedaris quotes: Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.
David Sedaris quotes: That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you. Much work and someday, you talk pretty. People start love you soon. Maybe tomorrow, okay. That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you. Much work and someday, you talk pretty. People start love you soon. Maybe tomorrow, okay.
David Sedaris quotes: The nice thing about crowds is that someone can throw a bottle and you don't take it personally. The nice thing about crowds is that someone can throw a bottle and you don't take it personally.
David Sedaris quotes: Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp. Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp.
David Sedaris quotes: He led me to the barn, where a Mexican man stood waiting for his turn at the shower. "Whole-aah, Toe-moss," he shouted. He led me to the barn, where a Mexican man stood waiting for his turn at the shower. "Whole-aah, Toe-moss," he shouted.
David Sedaris quotes: Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am. Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.
David Sedaris quotes: I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.
David Sedaris quotes: You know you're young when someone asks you for money and you take it as a compliment. You know you're young when someone asks you for money and you take it as a compliment.
David Sedaris quotes: Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it. Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris quotes: The bow tie is like the pierced eyebrow of the Republican party. The bow tie is like the pierced eyebrow of the Republican party.
David Sedaris quotes: I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time.
David Sedaris quotes: Weird doors open. People fall into things. Weird doors open. People fall into things.
David Sedaris quotes: I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives.
David Sedaris quotes: he's braw and pulchritudinous, he's braw and pulchritudinous,
David Sedaris quotes: It was like seeing someone who wore a striped tie or parted his hair on the left - a detail, but not a telling one. It was like seeing someone who wore a striped tie or parted his hair on the left - a detail, but not a telling one.
David Sedaris quotes: But all of a sudden they're poets, right, like that's all it takes - being in love. But all of a sudden they're poets, right, like that's all it takes - being in love.
David Sedaris quotes: That man tried to picka my frienda's pocketoni! That man tried to picka my frienda's pocketoni!
David Sedaris quotes: Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes. Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
David Sedaris quotes: In Paris you're always surrounded by French people. In Paris you're always surrounded by French people.
David Sedaris quotes: It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.
David Sedaris quotes: Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.
David Sedaris quotes: Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
David Sedaris quotes: Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute. Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.
David Sedaris quotes: I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
David Sedaris quotes: I started writing when I was twenty. My first book came out when I was thirty-five. But I never expected that it would happen quickly. I started writing when I was twenty. My first book came out when I was thirty-five. But I never expected that it would happen quickly.
David Sedaris quotes: Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered.
David Sedaris quotes: Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you something to fucking kick about Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you something to fucking kick about
David Sedaris quotes: Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend. Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.
David Sedaris quotes: Occasionally I'd tune in to a music station, but I always preferred the sound of people talking, even if the subject was something I didn't care about Occasionally I'd tune in to a music station, but I always preferred the sound of people talking, even if the subject was something I didn't care about
David Sedaris quotes: When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy. When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.
David Sedaris quotes: You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger. You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.
David Sedaris quotes: Most of the blame goes to the director, who seems to have picked up her staging secrets from the school's crossing guard. Most of the blame goes to the director, who seems to have picked up her staging secrets from the school's crossing guard.
David Sedaris quotes: I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call "understanding" is basically just fantasizing. I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call "understanding" is basically just fantasizing.
David Sedaris quotes: I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things. I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things.
David Sedaris quotes: I don't have email. I don't have email.
David Sedaris quotes: The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day. The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
David Sedaris quotes: Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat. Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.
David Sedaris quotes: Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril. Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.
David Sedaris quotes: The Bible says that it's all right to cast the first stone if someone dead is telling you to do it The Bible says that it's all right to cast the first stone if someone dead is telling you to do it
David Sedaris quotes: Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

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