Bill Engvall Quotes
Top 84 wise famous quotes and sayings by Bill Engvall
Bill Engvall Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Bill Engvall on Wise Famous Quotes.
I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are ... the ones breaking into your house.
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.
A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties ... welcome to my world.
I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".
My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.
You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.
People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.
No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button.
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.