Bill Engvall Quotes

Top 84 wise famous quotes and sayings by Bill Engvall

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Bill Engvall Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Bill Engvall on Wise Famous Quotes.

Bill Engvall quotes: I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains. I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.
Bill Engvall quotes: I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.
Bill Engvall quotes: I'm a blue collar guy. I'm a blue collar guy.
Bill Engvall quotes: I used to hunt and fish. I used to hunt and fish.
Bill Engvall quotes: I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair. I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.
Bill Engvall quotes: When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
Bill Engvall quotes: There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it. There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.
Bill Engvall quotes: I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania. I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.
Bill Engvall quotes: America loves to watch people growing and getting better. America loves to watch people growing and getting better.
Bill Engvall quotes: I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too. I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too.
Bill Engvall quotes: You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day. You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
Bill Engvall quotes: God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.
Bill Engvall quotes: In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family. In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
Bill Engvall quotes: If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody. If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.
Bill Engvall quotes: I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you. I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.
Bill Engvall quotes: And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim! And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
Bill Engvall quotes: Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others. Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
Bill Engvall quotes: I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos. I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
Bill Engvall quotes: I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that. I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
Bill Engvall quotes: I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process. I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
Bill Engvall quotes: Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'
Bill Engvall quotes: I don't pick on people. I don't pick on people.
Bill Engvall quotes: I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.' I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
Bill Engvall quotes: If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up! If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
Bill Engvall quotes: If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
Bill Engvall quotes: My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are ... the ones breaking into your house. My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are ... the ones breaking into your house.
Bill Engvall quotes: Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
Bill Engvall quotes: I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.
Bill Engvall quotes: So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me. So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
Bill Engvall quotes: I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me. I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.
Bill Engvall quotes: I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life ... God ... I would be drunk with power. I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life ... God ... I would be drunk with power.
Bill Engvall quotes: What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area. What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.
Bill Engvall quotes: A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there. A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.
Bill Engvall quotes: I've really got no complaints. I've really got no complaints.
Bill Engvall quotes: I love playing the bitter guy. I love playing the bitter guy.
Bill Engvall quotes: I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations." I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
Bill Engvall quotes: Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good. Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good.
Bill Engvall quotes: In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships. In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.
Bill Engvall quotes: Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
Bill Engvall quotes: My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties ... welcome to my world. My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties ... welcome to my world.
Bill Engvall quotes: I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color. I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
Bill Engvall quotes: You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!". You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".
Bill Engvall quotes: Europe has such an expansive history. Europe has such an expansive history.
Bill Engvall quotes: I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'
Bill Engvall quotes: My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time. My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.
Bill Engvall quotes: I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47. I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47.
Bill Engvall quotes: I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak. I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.
Bill Engvall quotes: I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer. I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer.
Bill Engvall quotes: You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades. You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.
Bill Engvall quotes: Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person. Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.
Bill Engvall quotes: People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?' People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'
Bill Engvall quotes: I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Bill Engvall quotes: Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list. Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
Bill Engvall quotes: I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy. I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy.
Bill Engvall quotes: To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice. To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.
Bill Engvall quotes: The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you. The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
Bill Engvall quotes: I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin. I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin.
Bill Engvall quotes: No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand. No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.
Bill Engvall quotes: People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in. People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in.
Bill Engvall quotes: If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute. If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
Bill Engvall quotes: Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
Bill Engvall quotes: I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards. I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.
Bill Engvall quotes: I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
Bill Engvall quotes: A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums. A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
Bill Engvall quotes: It's fun being Bill Engvall. It's fun being Bill Engvall.
Bill Engvall quotes: My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.' My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'
Bill Engvall quotes: I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time. I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.
Bill Engvall quotes: I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree. I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
Bill Engvall quotes: I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south. I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.
Bill Engvall quotes: I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads. I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
Bill Engvall quotes: I'm a big animal fanatic. I'm a big animal fanatic.
Bill Engvall quotes: Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button. Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button.
Bill Engvall quotes: That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Bill Engvall quotes: Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey. Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
Bill Engvall quotes: It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.
Bill Engvall quotes: To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop. To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
Bill Engvall quotes: Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down. Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.
Bill Engvall quotes: You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter! You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
Bill Engvall quotes: I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role. I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.
Bill Engvall quotes: I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.' I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
Bill Engvall quotes: You can't climb a tile wall. You can't climb a tile wall.
Bill Engvall quotes: I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.
Bill Engvall quotes: How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
Bill Engvall quotes: I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne. I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne.

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