Your Best Friend Funny Quotes

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. — Erma Bombeck

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork. — Demetri Martin

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees. — Ryan Lilly

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. — Dave Barry

I just killed my best friend ... and my worst enemy. What's the difference? — Christian Slater

The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don't do it gurl," he said with a wink. "You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend's husband's dick now drop it. — Ethan Day

Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried. — Charles Caleb Colton

It reminds me how funny living in LA can be; You go to a friend's barbecue and you leave the face of Victoria Beckham's look book. — Alice Greczyn

Moving on was going to require leaving the woods and getting a friend set that didn't have gray hairs, hip replacements and a few false teeth. — Rebecca Brooks

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. — Jimmy Carr

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend. — Edward De Bono

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. — Mitch Hedberg

He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him. — Oscar Wilde

I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend. — Augusten Burroughs

It's funny how you can know a person, think of him as your closest friend, and still never gain access to the secret chambers in his heart. — Jennifer Finney Boylan

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. — Demetri Martin

Love is only chatter, friends are all that matter. — Gelett Burgess

I hate it in friends when they come too late to help. — Euripides

Here. There. Everywhere." He leered at his friend. "Thinking about you and Moira's
underwear. — Dana Marie Bell

My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who drove a car. — Mazo De La Roche

Friends are what God gives you to make up for your family. — Bruce White

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore. — Wavy Gravy

We all have that one friend that walks into your home like its their home — Thabang Gideon Magaola

There's no better friend than a sister ... — Mary Engelbreit

Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason — Mason Cooley

A friend in need is a friend to be avoided. — Samuel Hall Lord

I guess it was what my friend Phoolendu at the yoga studio would call kismet. That's like fate, but much more dramatic. — Robin Palmer

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb. — Russell Howard

Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. — Jon Foreman

It was funny how one afternoon with a best friend could set a girl right. — Libba Bray

Life is so much friendlier with two. — A.A. Milne

Without friends the world is but a wilderness. — Francis Bacon

It's funny, but if I had to say whom I'm closer to, who knows me better, I'd have a hard time choosing between my husband and my best friend. — Nancy Thayer

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter. — Jim Carrey