Youngman Quotes

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! — Henny Youngman

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" — Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00. — Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. — Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! — Henny Youngman

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman

I live about four muggings from Central Park. — Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. — Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. — Henny Youngman

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. — Henny Youngman

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. — Henny Youngman

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown. — Henny Youngman

Are you married? What do you do for agravation? — Henny Youngman

Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us! — Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. — Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" — Henny Youngman

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving. — Henny Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" — Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough' — Henny Youngman

Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls? — Henny Youngman

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" — Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) — Henny Youngman

This man dresses like an unmade bed. — Henny Youngman

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? — Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. — Henny Youngman

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O — Henny Youngman

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. — Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. — Henny Youngman

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? — Henny Youngman

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. — Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. — Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. — Henny Youngman

A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology. — Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henny Youngman

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. — Henny Youngman

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman

O: Hey youngman, you should respect me!
Y: Hey oldman, you should understand me! — Toba Beta

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase. — Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. — Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? — Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" — Henny Youngman

I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker. — Henny Youngman

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. — Henny Youngman

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. — Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside. — Henny Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" — Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. — Henny Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. — Henny Youngman

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. — Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet. — Henny Youngman

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. — Henny Youngman

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? — Henny Youngman

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading — Henny Youngman

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow. — Henny Youngman

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. — Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? — Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henny Youngman

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere. — Henny Youngman

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. — Henny Youngman

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. — Henny Youngman

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. — Henny Youngman

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. — Henny Youngman

We aim to please ... You aim too, please. — Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" — Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. — Henny Youngman

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" — Henny Youngman

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping. — Henny Youngman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. — Henny Youngman

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. — Henny Youngman

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. — Henny Youngman

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. — Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. — Henny Youngman