
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? —
Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving. —
Henny Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" —
Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! —
Henny Youngman

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough' —
Henny Youngman

Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls? —
Henny Youngman

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. —
Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" —
Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." —
Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny
Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) —
Henny Youngman

This man dresses like an unmade bed. —
Henny Youngman

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? —
Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. —
Henny Youngman

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O —
Henny Youngman

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. —
Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. —
Henny Youngman

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. —
Henny Youngman

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? —
Henny Youngman

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. —
Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. —
Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. —
Henny Youngman

A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology. —
Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. —
Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. —
Henny Youngman

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. —
Henny Youngman

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. —
Henny Youngman

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. —
Henny Youngman

O: Hey
youngman, you should respect me!
Y: Hey oldman, you should understand me! —
Toba Beta

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase. —
Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" —
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. —
Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. —
Henny Youngman

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? —
Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" —
Henny Youngman

I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker. —
Henny Youngman

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. —
Henny Youngman

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. —
Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. —
Henny Youngman

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside. —
Henny Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" —
Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. —
Henny Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did —
Henny Youngman

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. —
Henny Youngman

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. —
Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet. —
Henny Youngman

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". —
Henny Youngman

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. —
Henny Youngman

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? —
Henny Youngman

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading —
Henny Youngman

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow. —
Henny Youngman

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. —
Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. —
Henny Youngman

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? —
Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" —
Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. —
Henny Youngman

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere. —
Henny Youngman

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. —
Henny Youngman

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. —
Henny Youngman

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. —
Henny Youngman

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. —
Henny Youngman

We aim to please ... You aim too, please. —
Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" —
Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. —
Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. —
Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" —
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. —
Henny Youngman

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" —
Henny Youngman

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. —
Henny Youngman

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." —
Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping. —
Henny Youngman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. —
Henny Youngman

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. —
Henny Youngman

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. —
Henny Youngman

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. —
Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." —
Henny Youngman

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. —
Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. —
Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. —
Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. —
Henny Youngman