Youngman Quotes

Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Youngman

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Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: We were married for better or worse. I We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I live about four muggings from Central Park. I live about four muggings from Central Park. Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My room is so small, the mice are My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Are you married? What do you do for Are you married? What do you do for agravation? Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Was that suit made to order? Where were Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: If at first you don't succeed ... So If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Why does the New Italian navy have glass Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough' — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls? — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My brother-in-law had to give up his last My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: 2 Guys in a health club, one is 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: When you battle with your conscience and lose, When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: This man dresses like an unmade bed. This man dresses like an unmade bed. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Is that your hat or are you wearing Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I told the doctor I broke my leg I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: All men are not homeless, but some men All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I know a man in Ft. Worth with I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: A man walks into a library and says, A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I wish my brother would learn a trade, I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: When I read about the evils of drinking, When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My wife has a keen sense of humor. My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: The more I think of you, the less The more I think of you, the less I think of you. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Toba Beta: O: Hey youngman, you should respect me!Y: Hey O: Hey youngman, you should respect me!
Y: Hey oldman, you should understand me! — Toba Beta
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I own a hundred and fifty books, but I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I know a man who is a diamond I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I'm paid to make an idiot out of I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I just made a killing in the stock I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Everytime I ask what time it is, I Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I'd commit suicide, if I could do it I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I bought my wife a little Italian car. I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: A Jewish man pulls up to the curb A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: A drunk was in front of a judge. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Someone stole all my credit cards, but I Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I know what I'm giving up for Lent: I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: What is a home without children? Quiet. What is a home without children? Quiet. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: There were three kids in my family. One There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: If, as the scientist say, sex is such If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: When I read about the dangers of drinking, When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I went to the bank and reviewed my I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Just got back from a pleasure trip: I Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I've been married for 49 years. Where have I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: When I told my doctor I couldn't afford When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I have a car that I call Flattery I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My son is 21. He'll be 22 if My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: We aim to please ... You aim too, We aim to please ... You aim too, please. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: While playing golf today I hit two good While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My wife and I went to a hotel My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I'll tell you how to beat the gambling I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: When I go to a restaurant I always When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My wife has a black belt in shopping. My wife has a black belt in shopping. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Most girls are attracted to the simple things Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: My history teacher was so old, he taught My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: I bought my wife a new car. She I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: The horse I bet on was so slow, The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman
Youngman Quotes By Henny Youngman: You have a nice personality, but not for You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. — Henny Youngman