Handler's Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Handler's
Handler's Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Handler's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
-Most people would say that she's beautiful.-That's because she's been with most people. — Daniel Handler
I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.
— Chelsea Handler
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
— Chelsea Handler
To Beatrice- My love flew like a butterfly Until death swooped down like a bat As the poet Emma Montana McElroy said: 'That's the end of that
— Daniel Handler
If I cover my head with my hands, it means deny the ball to the opponent's ball handler.
— Don Meyer
There's not enough ink and paper to say all I wanted.
— Daniel Handler
I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
— Chelsea Handler
I always think it's silly when people talk about works of culture taking risks. Because there's not any risk involved.
— Daniel Handler
Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.
— Chelsea Handler
Normally it is not polite to go into somebody's room without knocking, but you can make an exception if the person is dead, or pretending to be dead.
— Daniel Handler
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
— Chelsea Handler
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
— Chelsea Handler
I don't think film is the writer's medium, and so I was interested to see what a director would do with it.
— Daniel Handler
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
— Chelsea Handler
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
— Chelsea Handler
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
— Chelsea Handler
It's one thing for forgive yourself a mistake. But if you knew it was a mistake at the time, how do you forgive yourself then?
— Daniel Handler
I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.
— Chelsea Handler
This is love if it's not with you, a terrible fiery something that makes people look away, and it feels like a punch in the throat.
— Daniel Handler
There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.
— Chelsea Handler
Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.
— Chelsea Handler
Stop saying no offense," I said, "when you say offensive things. It's not a free pass.
— Daniel Handler
It's true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
— Chelsea Handler
Is it OK not to be a virgin, yes. Most people aren't virgins, Min. That's why there's people to begin with.
— Daniel Handler
And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.
— Chelsea Handler
Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
— Chelsea Handler
You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
— Chelsea Handler
The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.
— Chelsea Handler
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
— Chelsea Handler
There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.
— Chelsea Handler
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
— Chelsea Handler
I was never a fan of anything, and yet some people are fans of my books. That's a bit odd. But I like meeting them.
— Daniel Handler
Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
— Chelsea Handler
I gasped and pointed the way. I gave you an adventure, Ed, right in front of you but you never saw it until I showed you, and that's why we broke up.
— Daniel Handler
The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.
— Chelsea Handler
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
— Chelsea Handler
I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
— Chelsea Handler
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
— Chelsea Handler
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
— Chelsea Handler
I want to love you and take you pretty places. Yes, I have things wrong, but also I can walk through walls if you'll let me show you.
— Daniel Handler
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
— Chelsea Handler
Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.
— Chelsea Handler
You never love a book the way you love a book when you are ten. It is an honor to be in that sacred space in some children's brains.
— Daniel Handler
This teaching job did not pay a lot of money, because, let's face it, nobody gives a flying fuck about education, but it was a temporary position.
— Daniel Handler
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
— Chelsea Handler
I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
— Chelsea Handler
I have no doubt that my mother's pregnancy with me was an accident. Mostly because on several occasions, she told me I was an accident.
— Chelsea Handler
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
— Chelsea Handler
I was too jitterbuggy happy to sleep, and the whole day kept playing in my brain's little screening room.
— Daniel Handler
This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
— Chelsea Handler
My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
— Chelsea Handler
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
— Chelsea Handler
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
— Chelsea Handler
I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.
— Daniel Handler
It's why we broke up, Ed, a small thing that's disappeared or maybe was never really in my hands in the first place.
— Daniel Handler
Undeveloped, the whole thing,tossed into a box before we really had a chance to know what we had, and that's why we broke up.
— Daniel Handler
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
— Chelsea Handler
I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
— Chelsea Handler
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
— Chelsea Handler
It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any.
— Daniel Handler
Adverbs is a book about love, and I thought that was pretty cheerful, but people who are reading it now are telling me that it's actually quite dark.
— Daniel Handler
Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
— Chelsea Handler
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
— Chelsea Handler
When you start reading nonfiction books about piracy, you realize that it's actually just a history of desperate people.
— Daniel Handler
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
— Chelsea Handler
That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
— Chelsea Handler
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
— Chelsea Handler
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
— Chelsea Handler
I thought the Barbie doll would always be successful.
— Ruth Handler
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
— Chelsea Handler
Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.
— Chelsea Handler
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.
— Chelsea Handler
Love is candy from a stranger, but it's candy you've had before and it probably won't kill you.
— Daniel Handler
Evan Handler's new book is simply wonderful. He pulls you inside his life, and you come out his very close friend.
— Neil Simon
I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
— Chelsea Handler
Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
— Chelsea Handler
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
— Chelsea Handler
You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
— Chelsea Handler
There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
— Chelsea Handler
Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.
— Chelsea Handler
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
— Chelsea Handler
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
— Chelsea Handler
Wherever it's good, whatever strange, faraway land, let's go there, let's stay in that place alone.
— Daniel Handler
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
— Chelsea Handler
There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.
— Chelsea Handler
The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.
— Chelsea Handler
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
— Chelsea Handler
Choose the guy that's going to make you a better girl.
— Chelsea Handler
Wherever there's a conductor, you're sure to find a dead composer!
— Daniel Handler
