Lois Greiman Quotes

Solberg; nature's greatest argument against cloning.

Sometimes we succeed because of our upbringing, sometimes we do so in spite of it.

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

A person without regrets is called a corpse.

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.

Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars.

You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach.

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.

Excrement happens.

Tequila--a sure cure for monogamy.

Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.

I don't trust nobody that don't have my name tattooed on her ass, and then it's iffy.

Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.

Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.

You can't choose your family. Can't shoot 'em either.

Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.

Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies.

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

He's just a flash in the pants.

It ate a party till someone ends up naked.

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

Friends disregard your failures and endure your successes.

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber.

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.

I don't care what Cosmo says about exercise improving sex. Some things aren't worth the cost.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

There is no surer road to perdition than the ledger glands dictate your direction.

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.

A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.

Not surprisingly, the kitchen was the most interesting, but only because I discovered a package of Oreos in the cupboard.

Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same.

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

What if there's no such thing as PMS and this is just my personality?

No civilized being lived in North Dakota.

Love is like skydiving without a parachute.

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.

A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.

A guy's got to get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.

Marriage: just say no.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead.

Sometimes stupid is crime enough.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

Tact is for people with too much damned time on their hands.

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.

When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.

I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on.

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.

Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.

There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.

You don't need to be smarter; you just need dumber friends.

Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?

False hope is better than no hope at all.