Jay Leno quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jay Leno

Jay Leno Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jay Leno on Wise Famous Quotes.

Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.

Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.

You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity.

The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.

Diet Coke with lemon - didn't that used to be called Pledge?

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?

You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats

Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".

L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.

Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.

Regulations force people to do better.

Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items
like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."

People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.

Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.

Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.

Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.

Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.

Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.

Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either.

President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'

Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs?

The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler
from France.

I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'

Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.

There's nothing more frightening than a day job.

President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits.

Romney raised $10 million. That's a dollar for every position he's had on healthcare.

Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

A new study says that over half of all Californians are
obese. In fact, half of Californians are really two-thirds
of Californians.

The worst thing about losing this job: I'm no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for ObamaCare.

U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty.

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it - 'Roots.'

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.

Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house.

A Christmas tree
the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden.

Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.

When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend

These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.

On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'Phhh, you mean like last time?'

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'

Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's going, why bother?.

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.

We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?

Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.

"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.

We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11.

Statistics show 50% of the people use the internet. The rest have sex with real people.

One thing about mildly dyslexic people - they're good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal.

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden.

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.

It's being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that's just people leaving the White House.

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden.

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can.

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about.

I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president.

I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go.

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?

Contact with the customer is what business is all about.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.

How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?

Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.

President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.

Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.

Anybody can have a life. Careers are hard to come by.

Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.

This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.

9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.