Conan O'Brien Quotes

President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.

Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.

Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.

Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.

Some McDonald's restaurants are taking reservations on Valentine's Day. They are getting a lot of tables for one.

Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.

In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson.

There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering ... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!

A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.

The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar nominations.

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, 'That's my boy.'

Work hard and be kind and amazing things will happen.

I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.

Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best.

I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.

Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude ... '

In the Year 2000 the discovery of extraterrestrial life will create a revolution in science, art, and pornography.

The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.

Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.

According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.

President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.

Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.

In the Year 2000 men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs ... is to make out.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! It's a holiday that's as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center's Mexican food pavilion.

I'd kill for 'somewhat frosty.'

North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'

In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said 'Hey, she stole my speech.'

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants.

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.

Over-thinking in your brain is anathema to the process of thinking on your feet.

Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq

Don't be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you.

It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.

I picked out my Halloween costume. I'm going as 'Slutty Madeleine Albright.'

California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.

Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.

Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.

When all else fails, there's always delusion.

Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote.

NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To Extradition.'

Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot ... to legalizing pot.

Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'

Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, "Back-to-back number ones!"

Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.

CNN's Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that's who we blame for Rick Sanchez.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, Jesus! This cup is expensive!

No charm, no humor, no wit
and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.' .

NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.

Spread your hate. It'll last a lifetime.

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private.

By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You can kiss the groom.

Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.

Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.

In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.

My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point.

I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore.

Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.

Keep cool my babies.

I have an abacus at home.

Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare.

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'

San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.

This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair.

Link Wray is the all-time legend.

Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you.

Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'

I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.

A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler.

Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.

President Obama announced that he's going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.

Let's just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a 'cumberbatch.'

St.Patrick's Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.

If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me.

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians.