Conan O'Brien Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Conan O'Brien on Wise Famous Quotes.

California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.

Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.

Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.

When all else fails, there's always delusion.

Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote.

NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it 'The Road To Extradition.'

Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot ... to legalizing pot.

Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'

Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, "Back-to-back number ones!"

Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.

CNN's Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that's who we blame for Rick Sanchez.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, Jesus! This cup is expensive!

No charm, no humor, no wit
and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.' .

NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this.

Spread your hate. It'll last a lifetime.

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.

Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private.

By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You can kiss the groom.

Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.

Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.

In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.

My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point.

I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore.

Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.

Keep cool my babies.

I have an abacus at home.

Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare.

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'

San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.

This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair.

Link Wray is the all-time legend.

Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you.

Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'

I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.

A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler.

Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.

President Obama announced that he's going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.

Let's just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a 'cumberbatch.'

St.Patrick's Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.

If Sony's not going to show 'The Interview,' that's it. No more North Korean movies for me.

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians.