Chris Rock quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Chris Rock

Chris Rock Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Chris Rock on Wise Famous Quotes.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Women need food, water, and compliments
That's right.
And an occasional pair of shoes.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house.

Pretty girls have problems too.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

School shootings were invented by blacks ... and stolen by the white man.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

Do you know?
What the fuck do women want?
l know what you want: everything.

You don't pay taxes-they take taxes.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I love black people, but I hate niggers.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

When people try to read between the lines - critics, they have a job. Their job is to make something bigger than it is.

I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

I see guys who can't make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

Why do people do yoga? To clear their minds? I embrace the clutter in my head.

Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex ... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

Artistically I'm curious. But in life? No. I can go to a restaurant and order the same thing for 10 years.

Being a comedian is a lot like being an athlete. If you're Carl Lewis and you're the fastest, then no matter what you're the fastest.

Hollywood's just not funny.

You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property.

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

No, I want big ol' titties in my face!

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness.

We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy.

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.

You just got to be really logical when you're a comedian - to a fault. Like a lawyer's got to believe in the law.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

A black Christian is like a black person with no memory.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I love seeing black people do normal things, being judged as normal people.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

Doing something really profound and personal is bigger than a fad.
It's not some passing fancy.
It's always number one.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

I can't even put gas in my plane!

When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

Men are as faithful as their options.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

When you're doing a big-budget movie and you're four on the call sheet, you've got a lot of free time.

You only know that you're smart because you're around dumb people from time to time!

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A black man will be elected President of the United States. I'm sorry, that's in the year 10,000.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.

Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

I think it's better to have ideas.

Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?

No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, 'Hey, man, women are crazy,' you've got a friend.

Men lie the most,

women tell the biggest lies.

I mean no disrespect to anything I did before.

See, the Black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to.

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There's bad and then there's EDDY CURRY BAD.

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everyone else.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

I don't need a president with a bucket list!