Chelsea Handler Quotes

You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

I'm a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you're stupid.

You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.

Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don't get into fights with other people.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

He definitely wasn't home separating ions in his spare time.

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

I'd like to go out for a cocktail ... or seven.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.

I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.

Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.

This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.

I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age ... and you have your own TV show.

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

Some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.

I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.

Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.

It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'

I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.

My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.

I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.

I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.

I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.