Chelsea Handler Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Chelsea Handler on Wise Famous Quotes.

Chelsea Handler quotes: You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents. You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
Chelsea Handler quotes: It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting. It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
Chelsea Handler quotes: A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time. A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic. I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh. Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
Chelsea Handler quotes: The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive. The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'm a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you're stupid. I'm a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you're stupid.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it
Chelsea Handler quotes: I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role. I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don't get into fights with other people. Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don't get into fights with other people.
Chelsea Handler quotes: My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot. My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
Chelsea Handler quotes: There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously. There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.
Chelsea Handler quotes: In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day. In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there. Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
Chelsea Handler quotes: He definitely wasn't home separating ions in his spare time. He definitely wasn't home separating ions in his spare time.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one. Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'd like to go out for a cocktail ... or seven. I'd like to go out for a cocktail ... or seven.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides. Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding. Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
Chelsea Handler quotes: My father has a high opinion of his opinion My father has a high opinion of his opinion
Chelsea Handler quotes: If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism. If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.
Chelsea Handler quotes: The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever. The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties. I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'm a standup comedian, so I need people. I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much. I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case. You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
Chelsea Handler quotes: The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that. The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural. Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut. Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either. Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it. Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
Chelsea Handler quotes: This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory. I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
Chelsea Handler quotes: But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky. But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem. I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.' I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
Chelsea Handler quotes: The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out. The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit. I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter. I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it? I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?
Chelsea Handler quotes: I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun. I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.
Chelsea Handler quotes: We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them. You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
Chelsea Handler quotes: My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely. My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic. I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.
Chelsea Handler quotes: This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny. This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
Chelsea Handler quotes: How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker? How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?
Chelsea Handler quotes: Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun. Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view. I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard. I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
Chelsea Handler quotes: I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal. I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction. Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man. I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.
Chelsea Handler quotes: It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner. It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
Chelsea Handler quotes: If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear. If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities. I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
Chelsea Handler quotes: The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life. The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job. I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself. I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption? I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Chelsea Handler quotes: Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office. Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
Chelsea Handler quotes: If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
Chelsea Handler quotes: I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Chelsea Handler quotes: If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life. If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
Chelsea Handler quotes: There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline. There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of. You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women. You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Chelsea Handler quotes: It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
Chelsea Handler quotes: If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked. If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift. Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka. I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home. Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you. You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake. Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake.
Chelsea Handler quotes: Some of the best sex I can barely remember. Some of the best sex I can barely remember.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking. I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that. I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.
Chelsea Handler quotes: It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher. It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Chelsea Handler quotes: It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early. It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
Chelsea Handler quotes: I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea Handler quotes: It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
Chelsea Handler quotes: If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong. If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
Chelsea Handler quotes: There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating. There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.
Chelsea Handler quotes: I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor. I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.
Chelsea Handler quotes: You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age ... and you have your own TV You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age ... and you have your own TV show.
Chelsea Handler quotes: The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me. The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.
Chelsea Handler quotes: My life and my legs have been an open book. My life and my legs have been an open book.

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