W.C. Fields Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by W.C. Fields

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W.C. Fields quotes: I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.). I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
W.C. Fields quotes: Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of. Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
W.C. Fields quotes: Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle. Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
W.C. Fields quotes: Yes I do like children ... Girl children ... about eighteen or twenty. Yes I do like children ... Girl children ... about eighteen or twenty.
W.C. Fields quotes: I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach. I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W.C. Fields quotes: I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W.C. Fields quotes: Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried! Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W.C. Fields quotes: There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W.C. Fields quotes: My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W.C. Fields quotes: I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W.C. Fields quotes: All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W.C. Fields quotes: I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me. I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me.
W.C. Fields quotes: I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W.C. Fields quotes: I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
W.C. Fields quotes: If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
W.C. Fields quotes: In the ten years since I had run away from home ... I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime. In the ten years since I had run away from home ... I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.
W.C. Fields quotes: The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W.C. Fields quotes: I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him! I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
W.C. Fields quotes: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
W.C. Fields quotes: I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W.C. Fields quotes: I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either. I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
W.C. Fields quotes: I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
W.C. Fields quotes: The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W.C. Fields quotes: Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W.C. Fields quotes: I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
W.C. Fields quotes: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
W.C. Fields quotes: All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips. All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
W.C. Fields quotes: The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W.C. Fields quotes: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields quotes: Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W.C. Fields quotes: Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her. Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
W.C. Fields quotes: Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W.C. Fields quotes: How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W.C. Fields quotes: I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields quotes: It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W.C. Fields quotes: No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
W.C. Fields quotes: Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W.C. Fields quotes: I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W.C. Fields quotes: During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W.C. Fields quotes: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here. I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W.C. Fields quotes: Never trust a man who doesn't drink. Never trust a man who doesn't drink.
W.C. Fields quotes: The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science! The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
W.C. Fields quotes: So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey. So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
W.C. Fields quotes: There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W.C. Fields quotes: A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
W.C. Fields quotes: When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with. When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
W.C. Fields quotes: Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together! Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
W.C. Fields quotes: I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
W.C. Fields quotes: I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
W.C. Fields quotes: There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W.C. Fields quotes: In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.
W.C. Fields quotes: My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it? My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
W.C. Fields quotes: Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W.C. Fields quotes: Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W.C. Fields quotes: A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does. A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.
W.C. Fields quotes: All my available funds are completely tied up in cash. All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
W.C. Fields quotes: Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
W.C. Fields quotes: The news of my death is greatly exaggerated. The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.
W.C. Fields quotes: You can't cheat an honest man. You can't cheat an honest man.
W.C. Fields quotes: Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
W.C. Fields quotes: It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either. It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.
W.C. Fields quotes: Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W.C. Fields quotes: It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W.C. Fields quotes: I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W.C. Fields quotes: Never give a sucker an even break. Never give a sucker an even break.
W.C. Fields quotes: If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon. If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
W.C. Fields quotes: Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W.C. Fields quotes: I never drink water ... fish f**k in it. I never drink water ... fish f**k in it.
W.C. Fields quotes: All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
W.C. Fields quotes: When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W.C. Fields quotes: I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.