W.C. Fields Quotes

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

I'm searching for loopholes.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children ... about eighteen or twenty.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives ... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Never mind what I told you
you do as I tell you.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says ... And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I never drink water ... fish f**k in it.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.

You can't cheat an honest man.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

Never give a sucker an even break.

In the ten years since I had run away from home ... I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

I drink with impunity ... or anyone else who invites me.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

Never trust a man who doesn't drink.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.