Tim Dorsey Quotes

It's been nonstop hallucinations.

It's only socialism if the money goes down, not up.

Life's too important to learn new clocks, so I unplug them all and get on with the plot.

Gasparilla is Tampa's annual heritage festival, and Tampa's heritage appears to be about alcohol.

I go over my own escape routes all the time. To survive in this state, you have to think like the French Resistance.

I'm getting a diamond-hard boner just thinking about it.

Serge nodded. 'And I respect your opinion because you smoke marijuana. You're chemically biased against violence and job applications.

Remember the key to life," Serge shouted over the engine. "Always act like you deserve to be here.

A prosthetic leg with a Willie Nelson bumper sticker washed ashore on the beach, which meant it was Florida.
Then it got weird.

At work, he pretended every woman customer was a floozy with a hard-luck story who only needed a good slapping.

Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.

Two preppies from the University of South Florida tried to hit on her with cocaine jokes. Sharon

Don't you understand? The answer is inside each of you! Don't follow anyone else! Be your own leader! Lead yourselves!

You've been brainwashed by whitey!

Florida is a theme park," said Serge. "And the theme is weirdness.

my life's motto: If you're not willing to invent cool-sounding bullshit about yourself, don't expect others to.

Murder is such a charged word. You know how some people fixate and won't let things go? They're called cops.

Couldn't be scathed. He was the crack in the system

Don't make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must

The brain wasn't engineered to deal with that rarefied level of dumbness.

Serge bowed his own head and closed his eyes God, please protect us from your followers. Amen

fusing themselves into a single new genre about partying all night with gangsta bitches screwing cowboys to the nasty beat that leads to Jesus.

Impossible' isn't in my vocabulary, said Serge.

We're dealing with one of the worst kinds of killer." "What kind's that?" asked the lieutenant. "Patient.

She knew my buttons and kept pressing them like an epileptic in an arcade. If it's any consolation, I gave her fair warning." "Oh, my God!

Far too quickly we grow into jaded adults and lose our appreciation for silliness.

as any roulette player can tell you, past performance has no bearing on future random outcome. So

Tampa's Latin quarter, Ybor City. Ybor had been the Cuban-Italian core when Tampa was Cigar City USA.

Courage is the ability to suspend the imagination.

Yes Serge has killed a lot of people , but let's not overlook all of his other accomplishments.

Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don't question

The common good," said Serge. "It's not hip.

You never stop being Catholic. It's like the Mafia or Amway.

The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it.

What's this whole Parrot Head phenomenon about, anyway?" asked Crease. "It's kind of like AA in reverse.

Worry is usually interest paid on a debt that never comes due.

Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen...Break!

There, I'm an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.

Boys can't be stewardesses, and girls can't be pilots.

Belong to a religion? Doesn't bother me if you do, as long as it's not one that says to stop thinking and be loud about it.

The whole key to social climbing is not having spinach in your teeth.

Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.

South Tampa is the polyp of land that dangles into Tampa Bay like a uvula.

You open a door and find a midget, and there's no way you can be in a bad mood. It's just not possible.

"[Those] on fixed incomes are the nation's math elite." from pg.88 of Atomic Lobster.

This was the beginning of Tampa," said Serge. "They built Fort Brooke here in 1823.

Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now work.

This is trash state U.S.A.

Relieve stress through hysterical screaming.

I don't suffer from insanity. I can actually say that I enjoy it.

There's a new dawn in America! It isn't enough just to disagree with your opponent anymore. True patriots hate their fucking guts!

That, and the untended mental health problems. We have all these insane armed hobos coming from the Midwest, usually Ohio. Fuck Ohio.