True But Funny Quotes

Ish #153 Artificial plants grow best in artificial light. — Regina Griffin

Dog love is blind. For that matter, dog love is stupid. — Rob Sheffield

Am Anfang war Gott? It may have been true, but it was not germane. — Stephen Craig

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?
ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.
MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?
ME: MATH. — KanyaACoffman

I have only one heart to give and one mind to lose. May I someday find a woman who will take them both. — Michael W. Grimard

You can't kill us all, human.'
He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line? — Laurell K. Hamilton

Any one could write a book," said the taxi driver. " Yes, they could, but they DON'T," said Maeve Binchy — Maeve Binchy

You, lass, have a self-image problem.
Well, that might be a little true, but she also had a mirror. — Cherise Sinclair

It was a running joke; everyone was aware of how ridiculous the rumor mill was, and yet they all shamelessly participated in it. — Jamie McGuire

It's funny. That feeling of home. It's so temporary, like bathwater: the warmth eventually grows cold. — K.M. Alexander

Google, Facebook helps people than people helps people, in today's world — Jeevagan Nagarajan

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. — Carroll Bryant

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. — Lew Wasserman

I don't want to hear what anyone has to say about my life. Living it is hard enough. — C.D. Reiss

I was the girl with cake batter in her hair, egg on her shirt and her foot in her mouth. Always. — Kari Luna

America is still AmeriKKKa. rather we like it or not — Fee Scott

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! — Regina Griffin

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time. — Julie Powell

Stoplights and love can be cruel — Sesame Street

Every Hero Becomes a Bore at last." Ralph Waldo Emerson — Tim O. Casey

Keith much preferred cats. A cat wouldn't go mad at a man traversing a wall in the dead of night; it would shrug and lick its arse — Simon Dunn

She shuddered. What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then. — Tammara Webber

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others — Yana Toboso

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing. — Criss Jami

Selective hearing ... typical male. Maybe he was human after all ... — Cameo Renae

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off? — Parker S. Huntington

I realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl ... because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol — Fee Scott

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it's absolutely true. — Edmund Hillary

If they weren't staring at a fellow, they were laughing at him. — Wilson Rawls

He started to look back, but he knew better. That fool always got eaten in the movies. And Nick didn't want to be on anyone's menu. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

His deepest need was that people should like him. An admirable trait that; in a spaniel. Or a whore. — Michael Dobbs

It's fun to be able to have a fun palate, and the way I say that, you think about it and it sounds funny, but it's true. — Joey Fatone

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. — Criss Jami

If you had enough money, you could hardly commit crimes at all. You just perpetrated amusing little peccadilloes. — Terry Pratchett

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism. — Criss Jami

I'm sure I look a wreck. But he's the one who wrecked me so he may as well take a good long look at what he's done. — Monica Murphy

I used to laugh at that old wheeze about a man wanting his son to be better than he was, but as I get older it seems less funny and more true. — Stephen King

Nothing," she said, "upsets me more than being hungry; I snarl and snap and burst into tears. — Shirley Jackson

The movies are funny, in one way, because you think of everyone being as beautiful as the dawn, but that isn't true. — Julian Fellowes

When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks down, there you AIN'T. — Amy Hill Hearth

But some jokes are hilarious until they become true and they're not so funny anymore. — Jonathan Dunne

Being unique is what's cool man. Being normal? What's that? That's a setting on a washing machine. Nobody wants to be that. — Ashley Purdy

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. — Solange Nicole

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. — Criss Jami

Keep calm and be yourself — Jasmine Lozano

Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? — Regina Griffin

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!! — Eoin Colfer

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. — Regina Griffin

I don't know. I don't really like old movies. The acting is so, 'Hey buddy, ol' pal. Let's go wear our hats and have a big misunderstanding — Stephanie Perkins

Falling in love and falling to your death feel about the same, I thought. And I almost laughed. — Shannon Hale

One person may look and only see a tree, whereas others may look and see a tree with leaves. — Adrian Sandvaer

Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone. — Zayn Malik

Dogs are angels full of poop. — Oliver Gaspirtz

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair. — Criss Jami

What is about Army uniforms? Especially combats. They are just drool-worthy, if you ask me. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

When it all comes true Just the way you planned It's funny but the bells don't ring It's a quiet thing. — Fred Ebb

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire. — Criss Jami

There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon. — Criss Jami

Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits. — Yahtzee Croshaw

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect. — Criss Jami

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke. — Carroll Bryant

Gomst's mouth framed a 'no', but every other muscle in him said 'yes'. You'd think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all. — Mark Lawrence

Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn't go to Troy for the baklava. — Mark Leiren-Young

When boys get mad its not so bad
When girls get mad world WW3 is about to start! — P.C. Cast

Nothing frustrates people more than a cocky guy who's still winning. — Criss Jami

Nick Offerman is my hero. He just cracks me up. He's so funny, but he's a true actor, too - he's bringing so much when he's onscreen. — Chris Pratt

You're sad? I'll cheer you up. You're upset? I'd love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you. — Werley Nortreus

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous. — Nobita Nobi

Sometimes I wonder how many others you're texting while you're texting me. — Abdul'Rauf Hashmi

Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. — Charles M. Schulz

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make! — Criss Jami

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it's when the idiot laughs at you. — Raheel Farooq

It is not against the law to be a nincompoop. If so, I would have a rap sheet as long as my arm. — Sue Ann Jaffarian

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. — Criss Jami

"vers libre," (free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture. — G.K. Chesterton

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags. — Fakeer Ishavardas

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence. — Mie Hansson

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? — George Carlin

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously. — Criss Jami

A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what size of the onion, the dish or the woman — Terry Pratchett

I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it. — Tom Althouse

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. — Scott Adams

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers. — George R R Martin

Well sue me for staring. I'd be willing to scrub away my shame on his washboard abs. — Tia Giacalone

Boys do suck the brains out of smart girls. — K.A. Tucker

I'm not sure who faked their orgasm first, but thankfully it was over rather quickly. — Donald Jans

I come from a long line of miserable people. — Arlene Schindler

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive. — E.A. Bucchianeri