
She shuddered. What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then. —
Tammara Webber

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others —
Yana Toboso

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing. —
Criss Jami

Selective hearing ... typical male. Maybe he was human after all ... —
Cameo Renae

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off? —
Parker S. Huntington

I realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl ... because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol —
Fee Scott

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. —
Regina Griffin

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it's absolutely true. —
Edmund Hillary

If they weren't staring at a fellow, they were laughing at him. —
Wilson Rawls

He started to look back, but he knew better. That fool always got eaten in the movies. And Nick didn't want to be on anyone's menu. —
Sherrilyn Kenyon

His deepest need was that people should like him. An admirable trait that; in a spaniel. Or a whore. —
Michael Dobbs

It's fun to be able to have a fun palate, and the way I say that, you think about it and it sounds funny, but it's true. —
Joey Fatone

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. —
Criss Jami

If you had enough money, you could hardly commit crimes at all. You just perpetrated amusing little peccadilloes. —
Terry Pratchett

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism. —
Criss Jami

I'm sure I look a wreck. But he's the one who wrecked me so he may as well take a good long look at what he's done. —
Monica Murphy

I used to laugh at that old wheeze about a man wanting his son to be better than he was, but as I get older it seems less funny and more true. —
Stephen King

Nothing," she said, "upsets me more than being hungry; I snarl and snap and burst into tears. —
Shirley Jackson

The movies are funny, in one way, because you think of everyone being as beautiful as the dawn, but that isn't true. —
Julian Fellowes

When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks down, there you AIN'T. —
Amy Hill Hearth

But some jokes are hilarious until they become true and they're not so funny anymore. —
Jonathan Dunne

Being unique is what's cool man. Being normal? What's that? That's a setting on a washing machine. Nobody wants to be that. —
Ashley Purdy

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. —
Solange Nicole

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. —
Criss Jami

Keep calm and be yourself —
Jasmine Lozano

Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? —
Regina Griffin

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!! —
Eoin Colfer

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. —
Regina Griffin

I don't know. I don't really like old movies. The acting is so, 'Hey buddy, ol' pal. Let's go wear our hats and have a big misunderstanding —
Stephanie Perkins

Falling in love and falling to your death feel about the same, I thought. And I almost laughed. —
Shannon Hale

One person may look and only see a tree, whereas others may look and see a tree with leaves. —
Adrian Sandvaer

Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone. —
Zayn Malik

Dogs are angels full of poop. —
Oliver Gaspirtz

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair. —
Criss Jami

What is about Army uniforms? Especially combats. They are just drool-worthy, if you ask me. —
Aditi Mathur Kumar

When it all comes true Just the way you planned It's funny but the bells don't ring It's a quiet thing. —
Fred Ebb

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire. —
Criss Jami

There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon. —
Criss Jami

Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits. —
Yahtzee Croshaw

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect. —
Criss Jami

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke. —
Carroll Bryant

Gomst's mouth framed a 'no', but every other muscle in him said 'yes'. You'd think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all. —
Mark Lawrence

Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn't go to Troy for the baklava. —
Mark Leiren-Young

When boys get mad its not so bad
When girls get mad world WW3 is about to start! —
P.C. Cast

Nothing frustrates people more than a cocky guy who's still winning. —
Criss Jami

Nick Offerman is my hero. He just cracks me up. He's so funny, but he's a true actor, too - he's bringing so much when he's onscreen. —
Chris Pratt

You're sad? I'll cheer you up. You're upset? I'd love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you. —
Werley Nortreus

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous. —
Nobita Nobi

Sometimes I wonder how many others you're texting while you're texting me. —
Abdul'Rauf Hashmi

Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. —
Charles M. Schulz

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make! —
Criss Jami

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it's when the idiot laughs at you. —
Raheel Farooq

It is not against the law to be a nincompoop. If so, I would have a rap sheet as long as my arm. —
Sue Ann Jaffarian

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. —
Criss Jami

"vers libre," (free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture. —
G.K. Chesterton

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags. —
Fakeer Ishavardas

Everything is possible in America, except the production of intelligence. —
Mie Hansson

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? —
George Carlin

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. —
Sherrilyn Kenyon

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously. —
Criss Jami

A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what size of the onion, the dish or the woman —
Terry Pratchett

I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it. —
Tom Althouse

I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. —
Scott Adams

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers. —
George R R Martin

Well sue me for staring. I'd be willing to scrub away my shame on his washboard abs. —
Tia Giacalone

Boys do suck the brains out of smart girls. —
K.A. Tucker

I'm not sure who faked their orgasm first, but thankfully it was over rather quickly. —
Donald Jans

I come from a long line of miserable people. —
Arlene Schindler

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive. —
E.A. Bucchianeri