Funny Married Quotes: top 41 famous quotes about Funny Married

Funny Married Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Married quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman

My cousin fell in love with a dom, so I checked into it to see if I needed to kill him before they got married. — Cherise Sinclair

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? — Steven Wright

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married. — Jim Norton

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. — Elayne Boosler

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure! — Oscar Wilde

I was married once before, and I stopped. — Marc Maron

You think batting your lashes is going to get you out of this?"

"Of course not. You're a married man, detective. — M. Kane

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first. — Michael W. Grimard

Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it. — Heather Locklear

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women. — Gloria Steinem

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa. — Molly Harper

Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late' — Oscar Wilde

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? — Steven Wright

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. — Groucho Marx

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. — Wendy Liebman

When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much. — Joel Barnett, Baron Barnett

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two. — Ray Romano

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.' — Robin Williams

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard

Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life. — David Niven

I've done all the dumping, which is not a good thing. It's funny, because I married someone who has always done it as well. I believe I met my match. — Josh Holloway

And there's no "I love you" message because Steve Ovett has married the girl — David Coleman

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. — Freddie Mercury

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' — William Cosmo Monkhouse

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. — Kristen Schaal

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there. — Carol Leifer

'Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny. — Katey Sagal

It's funny when you get married, you do find other couples to hang out with. — Jennifer Lopez

Also, in a funny way, if you have been happily married there are no unresolved areas, nothing to prove to yourself after the other dies. — Nigella Lawson

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. — Minnie Pearl

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams — Jim Carrey

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice. — Adam Ferrara

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. — Robert Frost

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things. — Gilbert Gottfried

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? — Henny Youngman

It's funny that until I actually met my husband, I never thought I'd get married. — Regina King

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler

Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities. — Robyn Carr

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series. — Bob Hope