Funny If I Was Quotes: top 52 famous quotes about Funny If I Was

Funny If I Was Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny If I Was quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only? — Rachel Vincent

If my name was on a serious work like this it would never get fair treatment. They would all say I had tried to be funny and failed. — Jerome K. Jerome

If God was my co-pilot, Yancy once groused to Burton, I'd have the fucking pedal to the metal soon as I left the garage. — Carl Hiaasen

I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn't, it had a lot of explaining to do. — Darynda Jones

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for? — Stephanie Lennox

I know it's hard on her. If I don't tell her she'll kill me." He pauses. "That was supposed to be funny. — Julie Anne Peters

It's funny how this total stranger could relate to me better than anyone else I'd ever met. It was as if I'd known her my entire life. — Fisher Amelie

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up. — R.R. Virdi

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? — Dylan Moran

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.' — Joan Rivers

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director. — Woody Allen

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is
and it's me. — Homer

Char is beautiful, smart, funny, and I love the way our bodies communicate with one another. It's as if she was made for me." ~ Riley — T.H. Snyder

I wouldna cross the road to see a scrawny woman if she was stark naked and dripping wet. ~Jamie Fraser — Diana Gabaldon

I was just getting acquainted with the wood. I wanted to see if it was maple or pine. — Kurt Rambis

If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich ... not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard. — Simone Elkeles

Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless — Kiersten White

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. — Yogi Berra

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!" — Mitch Hedberg

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it. — Mitch Hedberg

Charlie Christian showed me a lot, and was a great help, but even then, I realised that if I was going to make it, it was no use copying Charlie — Barney Kessel

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while. — Zach Braff

I was always worried with comedy - what if I came to work and I wasn't in a funny mood? That hasn't been an issue. — Jeremy Sisto

I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry ... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever was. — Seth Rogen

Through a veil of tears I watched the city get smaller and smaller. It was funny, because it sort of felt as if my heart was doing the same thing. — E.M. Denning

I wondered if I could make him laugh like that, if he was the kind of guy who believes that girls could also be funny. — Leila Howland

Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting picked on at school. If I could be funny maybe people wouldn't bother me. — Pandora Boxx

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. — Steven Wright

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If cheese was a woman, I'd marry her. I'd come home and eat her every night. — Solange Nicole

I don't know if I was funny as a child, though I always thought my parents really enjoyed listening to me sing. — Pippa Evans

I don't know if I was a funny kid. I would say I was a loud and weird kid. — Will Forte

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright

I don't get into politics, general or musical, but just call me if you get jury duty. Even in New Jersey I was able to help somebody. — Eugene Ormandy

I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. — Bill Watterson

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda — Steven Wright

If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler — Benny Bellamacina

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black

If you ask who I aspire to, well, if a single line of mine was as funny as P. G. Wodehouse can be, that would be great. — Nick Harkaway

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" — Jimmy Carr

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

That was before I'd started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn't be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more. — Beth Revis

My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny. — Nick Kroll

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. — Simone Elkeles

The first time someone asked me if I was pregnant, I was eating friend cheese at the Summit County Fair — Olive B. Persimmon

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

...he was such an ass - I mean if he was any more of an ass, he'd be saddled and ridden in a small pueblo in Mexico.
--Ashland — Lila Felix