Funny If I Was Quotes: top 52 famous quotes about Funny If I Was

Funny If I Was Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny If I Was quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Funny If I Was Quotes By Rachel Vincent: What if I was the sexual equivalent of

What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only? — Rachel Vincent

Funny If I Was Quotes By Jerome K. Jerome: If my name was on a serious work

If my name was on a serious work like this it would never get fair treatment. They would all say I had tried to be funny and failed. — Jerome K. Jerome

Funny If I Was Quotes By Carl Hiaasen: If God was my co-pilot, Yancy once groused

If God was my co-pilot, Yancy once groused to Burton, I'd have the fucking pedal to the metal soon as I left the garage. — Carl Hiaasen

Funny If I Was Quotes By Darynda Jones: I had a horrible feeling my leg was

I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn't, it had a lot of explaining to do. — Darynda Jones

Funny If I Was Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield: I was so poor growing up ... if

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

Funny If I Was Quotes By Stephanie Lennox: I've been fighting to be who I am

I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for? — Stephanie Lennox

Funny If I Was Quotes By Julie Anne Peters: I know it's hard on her. If I

I know it's hard on her. If I don't tell her she'll kill me." He pauses. "That was supposed to be funny. — Julie Anne Peters

Funny If I Was Quotes By Fisher Amelie: It's funny how this total stranger could relate

It's funny how this total stranger could relate to me better than anyone else I'd ever met. It was as if I'd known her my entire life. — Fisher Amelie

Funny If I Was Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik: I think the reason I became funny was

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik

Funny If I Was Quotes By R.R. Virdi: There was a part of my brain that

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up. — R.R. Virdi

Funny If I Was Quotes By Dylan Moran: I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? — Dylan Moran

Funny If I Was Quotes By Joan Rivers: I think it was Cosby who also said

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.' — Joan Rivers

Funny If I Was Quotes By Woody Allen: I always thought it would be very funny

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director. — Woody Allen

Funny If I Was Quotes By Homer: I've always wondered if there was a God.

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is
and it's me. — Homer

Funny If I Was Quotes By T.H. Snyder: Char is beautiful, smart, funny, and I love

Char is beautiful, smart, funny, and I love the way our bodies communicate with one another. It's as if she was made for me." ~ Riley — T.H. Snyder

Funny If I Was Quotes By Diana Gabaldon: I wouldna cross the road to see a

I wouldna cross the road to see a scrawny woman if she was stark naked and dripping wet. ~Jamie Fraser — Diana Gabaldon

Funny If I Was Quotes By Kurt Rambis: I was just getting acquainted with the wood.

I was just getting acquainted with the wood. I wanted to see if it was maple or pine. — Kurt Rambis

Funny If I Was Quotes By Simone Elkeles: If my name was Richard, I'd go by

If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich ... not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard. — Simone Elkeles

Funny If I Was Quotes By Kiersten White: Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was

Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless — Kiersten White

Funny If I Was Quotes By Yogi Berra: I'd find the fellow who lost it, and,

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. — Yogi Berra

Funny If I Was Quotes By Mitch Hedberg: If you find yourself lost in the woods,

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!" — Mitch Hedberg

Funny If I Was Quotes By Doug Stanhope: I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope

Funny If I Was Quotes By Mitch Hedberg: If a drink was ice cold, it would

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it. — Mitch Hedberg

Funny If I Was Quotes By Barney Kessel: Charlie Christian showed me a lot, and was

Charlie Christian showed me a lot, and was a great help, but even then, I realised that if I was going to make it, it was no use copying Charlie — Barney Kessel

Funny If I Was Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo: To find out if she really loved me,

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny If I Was Quotes By Zach Braff: It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while. — Zach Braff

Funny If I Was Quotes By Jeremy Sisto: I was always worried with comedy - what

I was always worried with comedy - what if I came to work and I wasn't in a funny mood? That hasn't been an issue. — Jeremy Sisto

Funny If I Was Quotes By Seth Rogen: I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm

I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry ... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever was. — Seth Rogen

Funny If I Was Quotes By E.M. Denning: Through a veil of tears I watched the

Through a veil of tears I watched the city get smaller and smaller. It was funny, because it sort of felt as if my heart was doing the same thing. — E.M. Denning

Funny If I Was Quotes By Leila Howland: I wondered if I could make him laugh

I wondered if I could make him laugh like that, if he was the kind of guy who believes that girls could also be funny. — Leila Howland

Funny If I Was Quotes By Pandora Boxx: Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting

Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting picked on at school. If I could be funny maybe people wouldn't bother me. — Pandora Boxx

Funny If I Was Quotes By Steven Wright: When I turned two I was really anxious,

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. — Steven Wright

Funny If I Was Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo: She asked if I loved another woman, so

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny If I Was Quotes By Solange Nicole: If cheese was a woman, I'd marry her.

If cheese was a woman, I'd marry her. I'd come home and eat her every night. — Solange Nicole

Funny If I Was Quotes By Pippa Evans: I don't know if I was funny as

I don't know if I was funny as a child, though I always thought my parents really enjoyed listening to me sing. — Pippa Evans

Funny If I Was Quotes By Will Forte: I don't know if I was a funny

I don't know if I was a funny kid. I would say I was a loud and weird kid. — Will Forte

Funny If I Was Quotes By Steven Wright: I watched the Indy 500, and I was

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. — Steven Wright

Funny If I Was Quotes By Eugene Ormandy: I don't get into politics, general or musical,

I don't get into politics, general or musical, but just call me if you get jury duty. Even in New Jersey I was able to help somebody. — Eugene Ormandy

Funny If I Was Quotes By Bill Watterson: I asked mom if I was a gifted

I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. — Bill Watterson

Funny If I Was Quotes By Steven Wright: I saw a small bottle of cologne and

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda — Steven Wright

Funny If I Was Quotes By Benny Bellamacina: If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler

If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler — Benny Bellamacina

Funny If I Was Quotes By Lewis Black: Well first of all, I'd just like to

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap. — Lewis Black

Funny If I Was Quotes By Nick Harkaway: If you ask who I aspire to, well,

If you ask who I aspire to, well, if a single line of mine was as funny as P. G. Wodehouse can be, that would be great. — Nick Harkaway

Funny If I Was Quotes By Jimmy Carr: Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" — Jimmy Carr

Funny If I Was Quotes By Mitch Hedberg: If Spiderman was real, and I was a

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

Funny If I Was Quotes By Beth Revis: That was before I'd started thinking about how

That was before I'd started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn't be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more. — Beth Revis

Funny If I Was Quotes By Nick Kroll: My friends and family always thought I was

My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny. — Nick Kroll

Funny If I Was Quotes By Simone Elkeles: Cause if you were my girlfriend and a

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. — Simone Elkeles

Funny If I Was Quotes By Olive B. Persimmon: The first time someone asked me if I

The first time someone asked me if I was pregnant, I was eating friend cheese at the Summit County Fair — Olive B. Persimmon

Funny If I Was Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield: When I was a kid we were so

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

Funny If I Was Quotes By Mitch Hedberg: If I was a mechanic and someone called

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

Funny If I Was Quotes By Lila Felix: ...he was such an ass - I mean

...he was such an ass - I mean if he was any more of an ass, he'd be saddled and ridden in a small pueblo in Mexico.
--Ashland — Lila Felix