My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
— Daniel Tosh
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
— Daniel Tosh
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.
— Daniel Tosh
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
— Daniel Tosh
If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.
— Daniel Tosh
Peace is a certificate you get in the grave.
— Peter Tosh
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh
I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range. — Daniel Tosh
Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. — Daniel Tosh
I don't need no peace. I need equal rights and justice. — Peter Tosh
You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh
Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing. — Daniel Tosh
I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh
Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him. — Daniel Tosh
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! — Daniel Tosh
I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh
I man don't come red, I come Black — Peter Tosh
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves. — Daniel Tosh
To have the truth in your possession you can be found guilty, sentenced to death. — Peter Tosh
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. — Daniel Tosh
I can say that. I have a television show. — Daniel Tosh
My publisher, who was so good as a taster and editor, when she became a writer, lo and behold, it was all this feminine tosh. — V.S. Naipaul
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. — Daniel Tosh
High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose. — Daniel Tosh
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh
Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh
If the music does not penetrate the heart, the soul, the mind, and the body ... Then you ain't gon' feel it. — Peter Tosh
I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. — Daniel Tosh
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school. — Daniel Tosh
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh
