Phyllis Diller Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Phyllis Diller on Wise Famous Quotes.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid ...
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!