Phyllis Diller quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Phyllis Diller on Wise Famous Quotes.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid ...

All mothers are working mothers.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed!

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

Self-pity is better than none.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

You want to look younger ... rent smaller children.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night ... and reduce the crime rate.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.