Phyllis Diller Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Phyllis Diller on Wise Famous Quotes.

Phyllis Diller quotes: If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!' If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller quotes: My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea. Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe. My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death. I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
Phyllis Diller quotes: If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller quotes: You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller quotes: My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking. My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
Phyllis Diller quotes: It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on. It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller quotes: We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have! I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller quotes: I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan. I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn. Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'? I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller quotes: The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip. I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies. I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller quotes: It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister. It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller quotes: When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
Phyllis Diller quotes: If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy. If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it. Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller quotes: All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.
Phyllis Diller quotes: If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller quotes: If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller quotes: A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway. Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller quotes: You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty. Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp? Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller quotes: When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight. I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller quotes: We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid ... We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid ...
Phyllis Diller quotes: All mothers are working mothers. All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12. My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing. Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller quotes: What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one. I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller quotes: How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher. How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it. Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller quotes: This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate. I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Comedy is tragedy revisited. Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller quotes: He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers. He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller quotes: You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer. Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
Phyllis Diller quotes: If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller quotes: The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
Phyllis Diller quotes: It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser. It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed! Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller quotes: I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller quotes: My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Self-pity is better than none. Self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance. Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it. I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller quotes: His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller quotes: A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling. Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller quotes: You want to look younger ... rent smaller children. You want to look younger ... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
Phyllis Diller quotes: I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night ... and reduce the crime rate. I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night ... and reduce the crime rate.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
Phyllis Diller quotes: I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller quotes: By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
Phyllis Diller quotes: One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
Phyllis Diller quotes: The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?. The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Phyllis Diller quotes: Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
Phyllis Diller quotes: Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

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