Pat Paulsen Quotes

Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.

We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.

On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.

They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!

Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.

If elected, I will win.

In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.

Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with.

I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.

People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'

The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.

As I've always said: The future lies ahead.

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.

A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?

So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.

Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?

I don't need adult supervision.

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.

I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.

The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.

It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.

I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.

Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.

Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.

If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.

Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'

In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.

I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?

I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'