Norm MacDonald quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Norm MacDonald on Wise Famous Quotes.

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.

None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

We advise others better than ourselves.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

You can't love your team without hating another team.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.

I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves
the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

They're like 'You're an alcoholic.' I go 'No, I'm not.' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart.

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.

Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!

It is better to be idle than employed in ill.

I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

Few people love with the violence they hate.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.

Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

Note to self ... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.