Milton Berle Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Milton Berle
Milton Berle Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Milton Berle on Wise Famous Quotes.
Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.