Milton Berle Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Milton Berle

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Milton Berle Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Milton Berle on Wise Famous Quotes.

Milton Berle quotes: Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
Milton Berle quotes: Laughter is an instant vacation. Laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle quotes: My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle quotes: At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
Milton Berle quotes: My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Milton Berle quotes: You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation
Milton Berle quotes: The only place success comes before is in the dictionary The only place success comes before is in the dictionary
Milton Berle quotes: Remember when you had your face lifted ... and the guy brought it back. Remember when you had your face lifted ... and the guy brought it back.
Milton Berle quotes: My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
Milton Berle quotes: When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
Milton Berle quotes: It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now. It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
Milton Berle quotes: My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry. My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
Milton Berle quotes: I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
Milton Berle quotes: Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Milton Berle quotes: My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
Milton Berle quotes: At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around. At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle quotes: I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome. I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Milton Berle quotes: Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Milton Berle quotes: The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
Milton Berle quotes: I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle quotes: In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours. In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle quotes: Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce. Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
Milton Berle quotes: It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Milton Berle quotes: On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Milton Berle quotes: We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle quotes: My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle quotes: They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Milton Berle quotes: Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle quotes: Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
Milton Berle quotes: You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that. You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
Milton Berle quotes: The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle quotes: It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle quotes: People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed. People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
Milton Berle quotes: My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
Milton Berle quotes: I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Milton Berle quotes: Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot. Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
Milton Berle quotes: I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle quotes: Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle quotes: Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle quotes: I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
Milton Berle quotes: I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
Milton Berle quotes: My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Milton Berle quotes: Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter. Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Milton Berle quotes: Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help. Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Milton Berle quotes: An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it. An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
Milton Berle quotes: If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle quotes: Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
Milton Berle quotes: I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle quotes: A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle quotes: Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient
Milton Berle quotes: You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words. You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle quotes: Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering. Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
Milton Berle quotes: I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
Milton Berle quotes: Laughter is the best medicine in the world. Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle quotes: Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards. Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
Milton Berle quotes: Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work. Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
Milton Berle quotes: You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway. You can't believe everything you hear, but it's fun to repeat it anyway.
Milton Berle quotes: I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Milton Berle quotes: Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle quotes: Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore! Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
Milton Berle quotes: Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious. Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
Milton Berle quotes: War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle quotes: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle quotes: You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle quotes: For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble. For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle quotes: One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle quotes: When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door
Milton Berle quotes: What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
Milton Berle quotes: I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
Milton Berle quotes: It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton Berle quotes: My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
Milton Berle quotes: I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost. I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
Milton Berle quotes: The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy. The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Milton Berle quotes: All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Milton Berle quotes: I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle quotes: She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Milton Berle quotes: Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle quotes: At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
Milton Berle quotes: My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
Milton Berle quotes: He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license. He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
Milton Berle quotes: In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton Berle quotes: Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Milton Berle quotes: I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton Berle quotes: I don't date women my age. There aren't any. I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
Milton Berle quotes: If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit. If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
Milton Berle quotes: My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle quotes: Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Milton Berle quotes: They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle quotes: I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working. I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle quotes: She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
Milton Berle quotes: I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it. I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
Milton Berle quotes: There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle quotes: I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm. I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
Milton Berle quotes: Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
Milton Berle quotes: A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them! A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle quotes: I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Milton Berle quotes: For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included. For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
Milton Berle quotes: Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places. Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
Milton Berle quotes: Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
Milton Berle quotes: Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

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