Touch my things again, whether I'm dead or not, and I'll kick your ass up into your shoulder blades.
Wow, girlfriend, you're incompatible with life!And here I thought I was just incompatible with pink.
A vampire? How ith that pothible? I died in a car ackthident, for God'th thake! Aw, thon of a bith! 
Yeah, well, it's been a super fun week. And by 'super fun' I mean 'horrible and endless'. 
Friends are such a mixed blessing. 
I suppose I should say something negative about vampires living in sin," Father Markus said, "but that seems to be the least of your problems. 
Has anyone ever told you that you lack focus? 
He turned to her and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. When he spoke his deep voice vibrated all through her. 'I. Remember. Everything. 
I wrote for free for, like, fifteen years; I could redo my parlor in rejection slips. It would be surprisingly tasteful - they use nice paper. 
What's amazing is that she was possessed by Satan for almost a year and nobody noticed anything unusual! 
I might occasionally forget how to open a car door and have too many shower curtains, but I've got some standards. 
I like the idea of federal employees licensed to carry weapons who are also heavily medicated; it just works for me on all sorts of levels. 
Never let your fiend off his leash unless there's lots of room to run (and no people around). 
So you're a vampire?""Yes. But don't be scared. I'm still a nice person.
What can I say? Death is messy. And she had it coming. 
My 20s were a blizzard of rejection slips. 
He said my name the way diabetics talked about hot fudge sundaes. 
I swore we'd never be together, but - ''Your inner whore would not be denied.' she finished.
I'm rubber and you're glue," I told Satan, " and everything that bounces of me sticks to you. 
A day without the Antichrist sitting in judgment on you is a day without sunshine. 
I trudged around on the muddy river bottom for half an hour, patiently waiting to drown, before giving up and slogging my way back to shore. 
I'd go to a bookstore, and I'd flip through flap copy, and I'd think, 'If this gal can get published, I can get published.' 
I know it's practical for career women, but sneakers with suits? Jesus couldn't possibly weep harder than I did. 
Mom, he was fucking my mother. He's a motherfucker!- Sleeping with the Fishes
I fucking hate tomato juice! It's like drinking red snot. 
The man had a dick on him that wouldn't quit. 
AT&T works in Hell. I can't think about it very long or I'll get really, really scared of AT&T. 
I'm not playing vamp politics. 
A gold cage is still a cage.-King David I
Oh, go cry in a bag of money.
-Queen Christina
I mean, not that I killed her just to get the car, or anything. 
What it comes down to is this, Betsy: you do what you need to, and then you haul ass out of there. Every single time. 
I looked up. Mom looked down at me with the compassion/practicality combo that was her trademark. 
If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing 
Leave it to a vampire to think a healthy guy in his late thirties or early forties was on his deathbed. 
God is dead! Only the IT department can help you now.-Edward Smegger in Super, Girl! (p. 79)
You'll pay," she said stonily. "You won't be like this by this time tomorrow." "Bored and pissed off? God, I hope not.
Somehow, when I wasn't looking, somehow because it's electronic mail, none of the basic grammar rules applied. 
Magic: The Gathering is like Dungeons and Dragons if D&D was played with cards and didn't take 18 weeks. 
Interesting shade #23 Lush Golden Blonde highlights. Heyyyyyy ... The woman in the awful suit was me! The woman in the cheap shoes was me! 
I turned. Tall, Dark, and Sinister was rapidly approaching. 
It was scary how much she sounded like me sometimes. Maybe that's why she totally got on my nerves 
I mean, I wouldn't have wanted to be recognized. But I was kind of a prude about cheating on taxes, group sex, murder, and stuff. 
It's inappropriate for the queen of the dead to be afraid ofghosts.
Take your hands off her, Sinclair told the guy behind me, Or they'll write books about what I'll do to you. 
A grumpy vampire is a homicidal vampire. Hungry ones were even worse. 
You just never knew when a totally normal vampire errand would end in a bloodbath with severed-limb soap. 
I'm a sucker for the big, gruff, distant, emotionally closed-off hero who sloooowly warms up to the feisty, awesome, sweet heroine. 
I can't not write funny. It's literally the only way I know how to do it. 