You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication 
As a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do. 
You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. 
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? 
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck. 
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip. 
If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck. 
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. 
Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity 
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates. 
You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road. 
I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight. 
You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. 
You might be a redneck if ... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. 
You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks. 
You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children. 
You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light 
You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. 
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. 
You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it. 
You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. 
You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut. 
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. 
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck. 
You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police! 
We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms. 
You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. 
I'm an outdoor nut. If I'm not working, I'm on a tractor on my farm, hunting, fishing or climbing a mountain. 
You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. 
I really don't require a whole lot in life. 
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. 
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it. 
You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps. 
You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor. 
You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. 
You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. 
You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. 
You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. 
You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard. 
You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. 
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. 
You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. 
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot! 
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. 
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent. 
You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. 
You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. 
I know God is real. 
I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is. 
You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. 
You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop. 
You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born. 
You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water. 
You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, My other car is a combine. 
Country music is about new love and it's about old love. 
You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. 
You might be a redneck if ... you've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado. 
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight. 
If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married. 
Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group. 
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. 
You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. 
You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts. 
You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 