Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

You might be a redneck if ... your high school basketball game got rained out.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.

You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.

You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

You might be a redneck if ... you've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado.

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, My other car is a combine.

I know God is real.

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

As a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do.

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group.

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

I'm an outdoor nut. If I'm not working, I'm on a tractor on my farm, hunting, fishing or climbing a mountain.

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if ... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.