Jackie Mason Quotes

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Predictions are preposterous.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.