Demetri Martin Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Demetri Martin on Wise Famous Quotes.

Demetri Martin quotes: Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries ... They Die. Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries ... They Die.
Demetri Martin quotes: One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
Demetri Martin quotes: Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ... Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ...
Demetri Martin quotes: I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Demetri Martin quotes: I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born. I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin quotes: Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal. Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.
Demetri Martin quotes: I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business. I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin quotes: A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house. A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Demetri Martin quotes: One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket. One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin quotes: My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork. My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork.
Demetri Martin quotes: Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.
Demetri Martin quotes: The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Demetri Martin quotes: Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
Demetri Martin quotes: I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Demetri Martin quotes: And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
Demetri Martin quotes: When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
Demetri Martin quotes: It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear. It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Demetri Martin quotes: I like people, for a little while. I like people, for a little while.
Demetri Martin quotes: I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
Demetri Martin quotes: I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
Demetri Martin quotes: In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard. In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.
Demetri Martin quotes: I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey. I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Demetri Martin quotes: A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin quotes: I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
Demetri Martin quotes: I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts. I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin quotes: Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro. Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin quotes: I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away. I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin quotes: To me, comedy is a game. To me, comedy is a game.
Demetri Martin quotes: If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit. If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Demetri Martin quotes: I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors. I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
Demetri Martin quotes: The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy. The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin quotes: I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling. I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin quotes: The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import). The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin quotes: I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
Demetri Martin quotes: I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin quotes: Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Demetri Martin quotes: If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person. If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.
Demetri Martin quotes: It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin quotes: I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.
Demetri Martin quotes: Most stick people are black. Most stick people are black.
Demetri Martin quotes: And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
Demetri Martin quotes: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin quotes: Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows. Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin quotes: If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
Demetri Martin quotes: When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals. When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Demetri Martin quotes: Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.
Demetri Martin quotes: If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin quotes: I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
Demetri Martin quotes: Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room. Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin quotes: If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time. If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin quotes: To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead. To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
Demetri Martin quotes: I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin quotes: How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door. How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.
Demetri Martin quotes: When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries. When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
Demetri Martin quotes: When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too. When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
Demetri Martin quotes: Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast? Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
Demetri Martin quotes: When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?' When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'
Demetri Martin quotes: Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.
Demetri Martin quotes: I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague. I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.
Demetri Martin quotes: Clowns have no respect for pie. Clowns have no respect for pie.
Demetri Martin quotes: To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV. To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
Demetri Martin quotes: It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
Demetri Martin quotes: I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation. I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.
Demetri Martin quotes: For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman. For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.
Demetri Martin quotes: No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.
Demetri Martin quotes: Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever. Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Demetri Martin quotes: People only have so much attention. People only have so much attention.
Demetri Martin quotes: The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it? The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?
Demetri Martin quotes: I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin quotes: The sofa is the enemy of productivity. The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin quotes: Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill. Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
Demetri Martin quotes: Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric. Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin quotes: Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face. Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.
Demetri Martin quotes: I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic. I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin quotes: Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin quotes: Love is, and I hope it never isn't. Love is, and I hope it never isn't.
Demetri Martin quotes: When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop. When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin quotes: I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation. I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.
Demetri Martin quotes: Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks. Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin quotes: If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin quotes: Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
Demetri Martin quotes: I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia. I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin quotes: Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks. Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.
Demetri Martin quotes: Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time. Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin quotes: I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin quotes: I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that. I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.
Demetri Martin quotes: If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed. If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin quotes: The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location. The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin quotes: I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying. I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
Demetri Martin quotes: Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore. Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin quotes: Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle. Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin quotes: I wanna put stickers on turtles ... I don't know why. I wanna put stickers on turtles ... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin quotes: One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.' One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin quotes: And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin quotes: Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time. Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Demetri Martin quotes: A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet. A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
Demetri Martin quotes: Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio. Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin quotes: It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Demetri Martin quotes: I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
Demetri Martin quotes: If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

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