Demetri Martin quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Demetri Martin on Wise Famous Quotes.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries ... They Die.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ...

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I like people, for a little while.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

To me, comedy is a game.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.

Most stick people are black.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

People only have so much attention.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

Love is, and I hope it never isn't.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

I wanna put stickers on turtles ... I don't know why.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.