I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman.
The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.
I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore.
When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table. 
Haven't got a girl, but I can wish. So I'll take me down to Main Street and that's where I'll select my imaginary dish. 
Motivation is a lotta crap. 
I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor. 
We try to find chemistry; we don't do a lot of situational baseball. 
With his blessings from above, serve it generously with love. One man, one wife, one love, through life. 
If this is just the beginning, my life's gonna be beautiful. 
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. 
Your lips and mine, two sips of wine, memories are made of this. 
Return to me, for my heart wants you only. Hurry home, hurry home, won't you please hurry home to my heart. 
Everybody makes mistakes; look at Hitler. 
I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello', 'goodbye', and 'I'm pregnant'. 
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 
In order to share intimate feelings, you have to have intimate feelings. 
I would rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy 
I take the juice of two bottles of whisky. 
In a tuxedo, I'm a star. In regular clothes, I'm a nobody. 
There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does. 