David Cross Quotes

I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids.

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

Ive got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational.

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally ... in my basement.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.

There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

I've never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic.

I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude.

I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I dont believe in God.