Adam Carolla quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Adam Carolla

Adam Carolla Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Adam Carolla on Wise Famous Quotes.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Lets not focus on saving a nickel ... lets focus on making a buck.

Here's why guys are smarter than women. We're curious. We want to know shit.

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend ... I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

Don't do your best, do my best.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

Now the only thing we have on our hands is too much time, and we're turning on ourselves.

You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

I don't have dyslexia, I'm just dumb.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

It's like the guy who announces his wife is his best friend. He doesn't mean it; he just does it to make the rest of us look like assholes.

Screw guilt
I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'

And why do we think for a second that having the government involved will make things better

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course ... Real estate values go 'boom!'

There are certain things women are better at than men.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone ... forever?

We're a morbidly obese rainbow.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

The government is a giant corporation with no competition that is constantly trying to keep you off balance so it can siphon more money from you.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

I am not a good cue card reader.

I know everything because I know nothing.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

By the way, in that same session an ad popped up that said, "Tired of masturbating?" I thought, "Nope. Try me again in about one-hundred-fifty years.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

There are children in Africa that go to bed without a buzz.

I think the government is incompetent, not evil.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

We have brains and we have books.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

You're working-class heroes, even though you don't work.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

They're not vegetarians because they love cows and pigs, it's because they love attention.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do ...

My first car was a motorcycle.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

I was a horrible student.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

Being a depressed hippie is a lose-lose. It would be like if a rice cake had the caloric content of a MoonPie.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

I'd never hurt another person.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

As a kid, did you think when you grew up you'd be spoken to as if you were still in preschool? When did it become okay to treat adults this way?

I'm just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.