Steven Wright Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes: I'm not naked, I'm in the band. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright quotes: I was once arrested for resisting arrest. I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
Steven Wright quotes: I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright quotes: I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property. I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property.
Steven Wright quotes: Is it weird in here, or is it just me? Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright quotes: Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Steven Wright quotes: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright quotes: I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright quotes: I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
Steven Wright quotes: If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright quotes: I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Steven Wright quotes: Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"? Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"?
Steven Wright quotes: I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright quotes: There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright quotes: Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Steven Wright quotes: I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright quotes: Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Steven Wright quotes: It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright quotes: Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests. Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright quotes: When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright quotes: I'm donating my body to science...fiction. I'm donating my body to science...fiction.
Steven Wright quotes: I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright quotes: How come abbreviated is such a long word? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Steven Wright quotes: If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright quotes: Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright quotes: You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head. You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright quotes: The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright quotes: Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film. Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright quotes: In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Steven Wright quotes: I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven Wright quotes: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Steven Wright quotes: I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright quotes: I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit . I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
Steven Wright quotes: 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Steven Wright quotes: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Steven Wright quotes: I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in. I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.
Steven Wright quotes: They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright quotes: All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats. All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.
Steven Wright quotes: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright quotes: I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
Steven Wright quotes: Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Steven Wright quotes: All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright quotes: My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright quotes: A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright quotes: Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.
Steven Wright quotes: How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Steven Wright quotes: I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright quotes: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright quotes: I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Steven Wright quotes: I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means. I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means.
Steven Wright quotes: OK, so what's the speed of dark? OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright quotes: I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright quotes: How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright quotes: My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright quotes: I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright quotes: Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Steven Wright quotes: I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
Steven Wright quotes: So, do you live around here often? So, do you live around here often?
Steven Wright quotes: I washed mud off of mud. I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright quotes: What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny. What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
Steven Wright quotes: I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it. I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
Steven Wright quotes: If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Steven Wright quotes: Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone ... when I came back the entire area was missing ... Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone ... when I came back the entire area was missing ...
Steven Wright quotes: I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
Steven Wright quotes: I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright quotes: Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?