Steven Wright Quotes

Do you have any toy train schedules?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Always remember your unique, just like everone else

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

I can't stop thinking like this.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Because I don't believe everything I read.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology ... the study of milkmen.

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I had my coat hangers spayed.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means.

I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone ... when I came back the entire area was missing ...

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

I washed mud off of mud.

So, do you live around here often?

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm donating my body to science...fiction.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Why isn't the word "phonetically" spelled with an "f"?

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'