Stephen Colbert Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Stephen Colbert on Wise Famous Quotes.

Stephen Colbert quotes: Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I don't actually believe that the present social norm is some sort of eternal truth. I don't actually believe that the present social norm is some sort of eternal truth.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them? Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
Stephen Colbert quotes: So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
Stephen Colbert quotes: There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED). There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Stephen Colbert quotes: Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella. Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair! Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair!
Stephen Colbert quotes: Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom. Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera. I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.
Stephen Colbert quotes: They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely. I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
Stephen Colbert quotes: It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform. Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it? Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
Stephen Colbert quotes: Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime! Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
Stephen Colbert quotes: Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays. Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.
Stephen Colbert quotes: There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home. There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart. I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
Stephen Colbert quotes: God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way. God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
Stephen Colbert quotes: It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise. It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it
Stephen Colbert quotes: After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian. I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
Stephen Colbert quotes: All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about. All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make. Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of. I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it. I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding. Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.
Stephen Colbert quotes: If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it. If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it.
Stephen Colbert quotes: It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country. It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
Stephen Colbert quotes: The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out. The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host. I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
Stephen Colbert quotes: If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.
Stephen Colbert quotes: John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation. John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut. Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.
Stephen Colbert quotes: 'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. 'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken. I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.
Stephen Colbert quotes: If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister. If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
Stephen Colbert quotes: You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette. You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
Stephen Colbert quotes: What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
Stephen Colbert quotes: Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior. Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
Stephen Colbert quotes: The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
Stephen Colbert quotes: It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game. It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
Stephen Colbert quotes: What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press. What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
Stephen Colbert quotes: If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking. If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
Stephen Colbert quotes: You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality". You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality".
Stephen Colbert quotes: Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time. Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.
Stephen Colbert quotes: History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
Stephen Colbert quotes: I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell. I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
Stephen Colbert quotes: This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are. I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I scream, you scream, we all scream ... for the truth. I scream, you scream, we all scream ... for the truth.
Stephen Colbert quotes: After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
Stephen Colbert quotes: Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity. Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Stephen Colbert quotes: We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in. We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
Stephen Colbert quotes: We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us. We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.
Stephen Colbert quotes: The more you know, the sadder you get. The more you know, the sadder you get.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get. Why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
Stephen Colbert quotes: If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer. If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.
Stephen Colbert quotes: When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter. When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any. Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.
Stephen Colbert quotes: My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again. My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
Stephen Colbert quotes: If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
Stephen Colbert quotes: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative. Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us. Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
Stephen Colbert quotes: I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
Stephen Colbert quotes: Grief will always accept the invitation to appear. It's got plenty of time for you. Grief will always accept the invitation to appear. It's got plenty of time for you.
Stephen Colbert quotes: If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist. If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex? I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
Stephen Colbert quotes: Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around. Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.
Stephen Colbert quotes: The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist. I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian. Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Equations are the devil's sentences. Equations are the devil's sentences.
Stephen Colbert quotes: As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read. As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.
Stephen Colbert quotes: I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight. Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
Stephen Colbert quotes: Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head. Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

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