Sam Levenson Quotes

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

You don't have to be in "Who's Who" to know what's what.

When I came home and showed my mother my report card with a mark of 98 in arithmetic, she wanted to know who had gotten the other two points.

Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.

The reason God made man before woman was that he didn't want any suggestions.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

You can't start at the top.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

The Puritans came to America to worship in their way and to force everybody else to do the same thing.

It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

It's simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.

The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

At the U.N., any nation that fights back is censored as an "aggressor."

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.

How wise are thy commandments, Lord. Each of them applies to somebody I know.

There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4,892.

Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village

The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

The chaplain of the Senate does not pray for the Senate. He watches the Senate and prays for the country.

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks she is above average.

We may not always see eye to eye, but we can try to see heart to heart.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

More and more Congressmen now stay in Washington all year-round because they can't stay at home under the laws they've passed.

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.

Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.

Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

It's not the sugar that makes the tea sweet, but the stirring.

The longest word in the world is "a word from our sponsor."

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

If you want to kill time, try working it to death.