Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Rodney Dangerfield on Wise Famous Quotes.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house ... so he moved.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.