Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Rodney Dangerfield on Wise Famous Quotes.

Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up. When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel. I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving. You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies. When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. My wife was afraid of the dark ... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer. My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Comedy is a camouflage for depression. Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!" When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store. I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive! Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I was a poster child ... for birth control! I was a poster child ... for birth control!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday. My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year. I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare. Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence. Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks. My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires. I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half! If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house ... so he moved. I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house ... so he moved.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door. My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry? I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo. She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with. When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started! A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride. To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight. When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone. Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
Rodney Dangerfield quotes: I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude. I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

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