Women Humor Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Women Humor

Women Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Women Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Luck is a woman. She's drawn to those that least deserve her. — Joe Abercrombie

Women were tricky creatures under the best of circumstances. This was not the best of circumstances. — Genevieve Dewey

Sometimes women just need to cry. — Colleen Hoover

Women are like shower faucets, you must treat them carefully, because if you do not, it will either burn your balls or freeze your ass. — M.F. Moonzajer

Caesar was a serial seducer of married women. — Adrian Goldsworthy

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female. — Oscar Wilde

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer. — Frankie Boyle

Men are frightful nuisances at times; how much simpler life would be if we women did not have to make allowances for their little peculiarities. — Elizabeth Peters

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. — Camilla Isley

I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts. — Jim Butcher

Never be afraid to be sexy! — Alysha Speer

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. — E.W. Howe

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore. — Steve Martin

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men. — Neil Gaiman

Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him. — Joseph Heller

If anger were mileage, I'd be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class. — Gina Barreca

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck — George Carlin

There was nothing like double chocolate chip to solve the sexual problems of women everywhere. — Maggie Casper

It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots. — George W. Bush

When you can't handle the heady concoction of wine and women, it's time to pack up your bags and quit. — Anurag Shourie

Oh that's right, you never lie unless your mouth is open and words are coming out of it — Joshilyn Jackson

Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane — Tony Cleaver

He's half my ex-husband's age, but twice as energetic when we have sex. And twice as grateful afterwards. — Barbara Taylor Bradford

You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face — Sherry Argov

I like difficult old women, she said. I'm in training to be one myself. — Rosina Lippi

This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework. — Ben Aaronovitch

Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not. — Oscar Wilde

It's a guy thing. We have reactions to women in tight leather with whips. It's sort of involuntary. — Rachel Caine

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment. — Jane Austen

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor. — George Jean Nathan

I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts. — Jim Butcher

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible. — Adam Carolla

Cheap jewelry, however, is worse than no jewelry at all, and there are very few things in life than are worse than no jewelry at all. — Jill Conner Browne

Men are wimps . Why do you think women have the babies? — Wendy Mass

Saint Bo, a man christened with the miraculous ability to gentle horses, nervous women, and one year olds. — Becky Wade

Boys are universal giver, women remains universal receiver. — Santosh Kalwar

Maybe part of find what you wanted was recognizing what you didn't want. Maybe there was hope for me yet. — Claire Cook

Women never bought Freud's idea of penis envy: who would want a shotgun when you can have an automatic? — Natalie Angier

An aircraft operated by a woman was unheard of in the sky. Women were bad luck, started fires, caused fights. — Meg Merriet

Martin: Yes, I'd like to go home and do some work. I'm writing a novel about women from the women's point of view. — Caryl Churchill

Everyone is allowed a weakness, even women of the twentieth century. — Laurie R. King

Vampires, like virgins or priests, are things that women believe in. We must never fail to humor them in such matters. — Brian McNaughton

Just my luck: My bloodthirsty killing machine was better with both kids and women than I was. — Mark L. Van Name

Then he offers me his arm. As I take it, I wonder what folly decreed that women cannot walk unassisted. — R.L. LaFevers

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you. — Janet Evanovich

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. — Steven Wright

Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again. — Mark Twain

That's all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights? — Nicki Elson

Women were more concerned about their skirts getting caught up in the wheels, and sat astride wearing Bloomers which turned them into Lesbians. — Jacky Fleming

From sixteen to twenty, all women, kept in humor by their hopes and by their attractions, appear to be good-natured. — Samuel Richardson

Speak kindly to with adult women as you would to your mother. — Lailah Gifty Akita

I don't like it when I outweigh my men. — Patricia Briggs

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her. — Bauvard

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born. — Dakota Dawn

I would describe her more as a knitter than a doer. — William Goldman

Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship. — Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

LIPID (Last Idiot Person I Dated) syndrome: a largely undiagnosed but pervasive disease that afflicts single women. — Lauren Willig

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny. — Chelsea Handler

Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle — Josh Stern

She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression. — C.S. Lewis

Well, son, you cain't go thru life chunkin' things at all the ugly women you meet. — Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle. — Jim Butcher

Hypocrisy
/hi pakrise/ noun
1. The moment you tell someone it is not important to be right, in order to look right to everyone else. — Shannon L. Alder

It's only through sheer force and luck that she's yet to take over the world. — Julia Quinn

I like subversive humor, freckles, women's knees and long hair, the laughter of playing children, and a girl running down the street. — Rene Magritte

Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women. — Zooey Deschanel

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. — Meghan Ciana Doidge

All women need get-out-of-jail girlfriends. — Kimberly J. Dalferes

She feels a little sad. Is she sad? Helen considers an alternative: She is dehydrated. — Meg Howrey

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. — Criss Jami

Why do I seem to have this effect on women? They're around me and they cry. — Tracy Guzeman

Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women. — Jose Saramago

Women need a reason to have sex; men need only a place. — Nelson DeMille

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them — Josh Stern

Yes, I have patterns of love addiction.
But I'm a woman.
Of course I do. — Emma Forrest

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap. — Frank Carson

Women!" he muttered. "Can't live with 'em, can't escape even by killing 'em. — Naomi Kramer

If cheese was a woman, I'd marry her. I'd come home and eat her every night. — Solange Nicole

I mean, what good is a women's lib if we can't use it to ask guys to dances? — Cynthia Hand

Women in love are pathetic
and I cannot be bothered, for now,
I am back to metaphysics
and my armpits gather hair. — Mie Hansson

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! — Bill Maher

Since time immemorial any woman with half a brain has known that in the pursuit of romance she must hide it — Mavis Cheek

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman. — Steven Wright

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. — Mark W. Boyer

Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right. — Oscar Wilde

Some people desire to be famous. I probably wouldn't be very good at it. — Sarah Warman

If women were as good as men they'd be a lot better! — Terry Pratchett

No one can be your sun, moon, or stars until you have your own world. — K.M.Docherty

First rule of cleavage: it's not how low you go, but where and when you show. — Elisabeth Dale

The English, by and large, being a crass and indolent race, were not as keen on burning women as other countries in Europe. — Terry Pratchett

I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means. — Darynda Jones

Wine is to women as duct tape is to men, it fixes EVERYTHING! — Tanya Masse

Thousands of beautiful women? Yes. Thousands of insects whose only purpose is to lure fish? No. — Colleen Houck

Ann Boleyn...a Renaissance Audrey Hepburn in a little black dress. — JoAnn Spears

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. — Steven Wright

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" — Rita Rudner

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men — Bill Engvall

A man in the house is worth two on the street. — Mae West

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. — Dave Barry

Take care of your husband and do your "homework." For every headache you have there will be a women out there with an aspirin in her purse. — Jane Jenkins Herlong