Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Rodney Dangerfield quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
They change the sheets every day ... from one bed to another.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark ...
— Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
— Rodney Dangerfield
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
— Rodney Dangerfield
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
— Rodney Dangerfield
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
— Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect ... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
— Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
— Rodney Dangerfield
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!
— Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
— Rodney Dangerfield
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house ... so he moved.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
— Rodney Dangerfield
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
— Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
— Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
— Rodney Dangerfield
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu ... she bid me a don't.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
— Rodney Dangerfield
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
— Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
— Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
— Rodney Dangerfield
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
— Rodney Dangerfield
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
— Rodney Dangerfield
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
— Rodney Dangerfield
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
— Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
— Rodney Dangerfield
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
— Rodney Dangerfield
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
— Rodney Dangerfield