Parenting Humor Quotes: top 41 famous quotes about Parenting Humor

Parenting Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Parenting Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. — Bill Cosby

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache. — Jeff Abbott

Jokes about butts WORKED. — Drew Magary

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. — George Carlin

He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it. — Judith Arnold

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. — Bill Cosby

Adoption is the most intentional process on Earth. — Jody Cantrell Dyer

Remember how we put stickers with your name on your pocessions that could be stolen.We didn't put a sticker on your innocence so don't lose it! — Candace Allan

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. — Jim Gaffigan

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit. — Drew Magary

But it's a child! You're a man!"
"Your powers of observation are formidable," said Charles. "You are a credit to your optician. — Katherine Rundell

This is why we can't have nice things... — Madge Madigan

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God. — Scott Dikkers

We're gonna do like Posh and Becks and call it after the place it was conceived."
"Where's that?" I asked.
"King of Prussia. — Henry G. Radcliff

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. — Dorothy Parker

I know my kids will be incredible, just not as great as me. — A.D. Aliwat

If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end. — Martha Wells

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. — Ray Romano

And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks? — Catherine Gilbert Murdock

Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not. — Sydney Strand

Take care of the elderly people. — Lailah Gifty Akita

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up. — Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller

Our parents would not be 'The best parents in the world' (to us) if they were not our parents. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money. — J.R. Rain

Too much alcohol hampers people's ability to parent. That's why I've chosen to remain childless. — Kyra Davis

Parenting fucked you up. — Abigail Barnette

Education is the best gift my parent gave me. — Lailah Gifty Akita

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan

It's a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass. — Drew Magary

For me, adoption was grief in reverse. — Jody Cantrell Dyer

Momma always said when Randy got an idea in his head it was more likely to come attached to a foot in his ass than a check in the bank. — Joe Schwartz

I believe that if a seven-year old kid has heard of Naked Lunch and is daring enough to want to read it, he's old enough to read it. — John Waters

Isn't it wonderful to give birth to your own kind? — Lailah Gifty Akita

Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right! — J. Thomas Steele

In that day, we didn't have no remote controls and vacuum cleaners. If you wanted all that stuff you had children! — Tyler Perry

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt. — S.K. Tremayne

My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children's need for parenting. — Margot Page

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard. — Jim Gaffigan

Got any mood music?"
"If you press Play on the stereo you're going to hear Miley Cyrus."
"I don't know who that is."
"Count your blessings. — Tere Michaels

(Da) "Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you."
(Later) "Sorry, Son, I missed that," Ma said. "Ignoring you can be a full-time job. — Brian Farrey