Maher Bill Quotes

The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies. — Bill Maher

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it. — Bill Maher

True patriotism is doing something for your country. — Bill Maher

Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow. — Bill Maher

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick. — Bill Maher

We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home. — Bill Maher

Republicans are obsessed with abortion ... if they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn't they protect the Democrats? — Bill Maher

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became. — Bill Maher

Every time [Rand Paul] opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context. — Bill Maher

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake
it's a glass of ice cream. — Bill Maher

Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman. — Bill Maher

We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected. — Bill Maher

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church. — Bill Maher

The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy — Bill Maher

You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts. — Bill Maher

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning. — Bill Maher

In America, you're allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God's big book of bad ideas. — Bill Maher

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is. — Bill Maher

When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was. — Bill Maher

Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school. — Bill Maher

You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood. — Bill Maher

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author. — Bill Maher

What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie. — Bill Maher

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? — Bill Maher

How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when - if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose? — Bill Maher

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. — Bill Maher

Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that. — Bill Maher

You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country. — Bill Maher

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma. — Bill Maher

I just don't think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex. — Bill Maher

It's all been satirized for your protection. — Bill Maher

There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater. — Bill Maher

If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not. — Bill Maher

There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote. — Bill Maher

Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time. — Bill Maher

Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?' — Bill Maher

I'm okay with it now that Obama's in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me. — Bill Maher

I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says. — Bill Maher

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity. — Bill Maher

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show. — Bill Maher

I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins. — Bill Maher

We're all gonna be gay if we get health care! — Bill Maher

This is why rational people - anti-religionists - must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves. — Bill Maher

My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank. — Bill Maher

Religion is bad, drugs are good. — Bill Maher

The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is. — Bill Maher

Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we're not united as a country. — Bill Maher

March Madnesss ... the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.' — Bill Maher

Look, I have never made a secret of the fact that I have tried marijuana ... About 50,000 times. — Bill Maher

Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids. — Bill Maher

We don't do sensible things. This is America. — Bill Maher

Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts. — Bill Maher

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter. — Bill Maher

I don't blame Bill Maher for mocking religion. I can see why he took the trouble to make the movie. In one sense, it's overdue. — Ray Comfort

New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, What went on in that house? — Bill Maher

The Drug War is an addiction, really. — Bill Maher

I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing. — Bill Maher

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff. — Bill Maher

Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives? — Bill Maher

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right. — Bill Maher

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again. — Bill Maher

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices. — Bill Maher

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex. — Bill Maher

I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents. — Bill Maher

I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes. — Bill Maher

The thing they're trying to stop is 30-million people getting health insurance. That's the substance. — Chris Hayes

Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag. — Bill Maher

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good, — Bill Maher

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit! — Bill Maher

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men. — Bill Maher

Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you — Bill Maher

I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it? — Bill Maher

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?! — Bill Maher

The public is gullible ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth. — Bill Maher

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.' — Bill Maher

This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith - 'I'm gonna put a boot in their ass.' If you don't do that, somehow you can't be strong. — Bill Maher

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

Bill Maher fancies himself the reincarnation of Lenny Bruce. — Bernard Goldberg

New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion. — Bill Maher

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay. — Bill Maher

What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can't vote. — Bill Maher

In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.' — Bill Maher

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president. — Bill Maher

I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh. — Bill Maher

The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they're so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid. — Bill Maher

The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore. — Bill Maher

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain. — Bill Maher

As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it. — Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need. — Bill Maher

If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake. — Bill Maher

What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, 'I am just too embarrassed to be on this team'? — Bill Maher

Say that evil happens when good men do nothing. And the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing. — Bill Maher

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool. — Bill Maher

I understand we're on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at 'Second World' before we get there? — Bill Maher

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats. — Bill Maher

We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government. — Bill Maher

Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage. — Bill Maher

I used to stay at the Trump [hotels] and I just wouldn't now. The people were great, but I wouldn't stay at a 'birther' hotel. — Bill Maher

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting. — Bill Maher

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants. — Bill Maher