Letterman's Quotes

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Letterman's Quotes & Sayings

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Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: I think the one thing I would point I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Here's a little known fact - Arnold is Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Today is tax day. A lot of people Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Kim Jong Il made his staff call him Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: It's autumn in New York. The colors are It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing - yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial. David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Insiders say that Trump is running for president Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: There's not a man, woman or child on There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: You know what I love best about baseball? You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: The Pope also said that while he's in The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.' — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: It's official, Arnold said he will enter the It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!" — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Iraqi's minister of information did not show up Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: That's the first thing they teach you in That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Here in New York City, it's cold. It's Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Osama bin Laden was living in that compound Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.' — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: The general election's taking place today in Iraq, The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: It's disappointing when you finally get to meet It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: It is cold down in Washington, D.C. They It is cold down in Washington, D.C. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: There's already been some trouble for Osama bin There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound. Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS? — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Let's stop for a moment to admire the Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By Teri Garr: I refused David Letterman's proposal of marriage for I refused David Letterman's proposal of marriage for obvious reasons, but thanks for asking. — Teri Garr
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.' — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water. I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Tourists - have some fun with New york's Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By Rob Letterman: If you do your job right, no one If you do your job right, no one realizes you did your job, and that's a good thing. You strive for that. — Rob Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.' — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: It's the first day of spring. That means It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it? — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By Jimmy Kimmel: On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime. — Jimmy Kimmel
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Every day is President's Day when you have Every day is President's Day when you have an intern! — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: President Bush announced that the war in Iraq President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Unusual weather for New York City. Today it Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup. — David Letterman
Letterman's Quotes By David Letterman: Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman