Letterman's Quotes
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Letterman's Quotes & Sayings
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Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.
— David Letterman
They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.
— David Letterman
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
— David Letterman
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
— David Letterman
You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.
— Rush Limbaugh
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
— David Letterman
I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.
— David Letterman
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
— David Letterman
I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
— David Letterman
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.
— David Letterman
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
— David Letterman
Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.
— David Letterman
Bring Your Child to Work Day
that's how we got George W. Bush. — David Letterman
that's how we got George W. Bush. — David Letterman
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.
— David Letterman
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.
— David Letterman
Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.
— David Letterman
All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
— David Letterman
Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'
— David Letterman
Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.
— David Letterman
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing - yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.
— David Letterman
The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
— David Letterman
In that sense, when a Bush or a Gore, or whomever, goes on David Letterman, that's the news, too.
— Frank Rich
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.
— David Letterman
Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
— David Letterman
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
— David Letterman
Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.
— David Letterman
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
— David Letterman
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
— David Letterman
There's just a big, empty football field that's supposed to be filled with monsters that I haven't even thought of.
— Rob Letterman
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
— David Letterman
John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go.
— David Letterman
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.
— David Letterman
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
— David Letterman
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
— David Letterman
The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
— David Letterman
What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.
— David Letterman
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
— David Letterman
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"
— David Letterman
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
— David Letterman
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
— David Letterman
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
— David Letterman
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.
— David Letterman
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
— David Letterman
Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
— David Letterman
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
— David Letterman
Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.
— David Letterman
The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'
— David Letterman
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
— David Letterman
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.
— David Letterman
It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.
— David Letterman
It is cold down in Washington, D.C. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
— David Letterman
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
— David Letterman
As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.
— David Letterman
Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.
— David Letterman
Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.
— David Letterman
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.
— David Letterman
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?
— David Letterman
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
— David Letterman
Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.
— David Letterman
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
— David Letterman
Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.
— David Letterman
I refused David Letterman's proposal of marriage for obvious reasons, but thanks for asking.
— Teri Garr
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
— David Letterman
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
— David Letterman
I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.
— David Letterman
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
— David Letterman
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'
— David Letterman
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
— David Letterman
I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
— David Letterman
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
— David Letterman
If you do your job right, no one realizes you did your job, and that's a good thing. You strive for that.
— Rob Letterman
Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.
— David Letterman
Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.
— David Letterman
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
— David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.
— David Letterman
Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.
— David Letterman
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'
— David Letterman
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.
— David Letterman
Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
— David Letterman
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
— David Letterman
Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?
— David Letterman
On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.
— Jimmy Kimmel
Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!
— David Letterman
Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.
— David Letterman
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.
— David Letterman
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
— David Letterman
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
— David Letterman
Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.
— David Letterman
I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.
— David Letterman
Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.
— David Letterman