Letterman's Quotes
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Letterman's Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Letterman's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.
— David Letterman
They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.
— David Letterman
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
— David Letterman
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
— David Letterman
You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.
— Rush Limbaugh
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.
— David Letterman
I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.
— David Letterman
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
— David Letterman
I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
— David Letterman
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.
— David Letterman
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
— David Letterman
Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.
— David Letterman
Bring Your Child to Work Day that's how we got George W. Bush. — David Letterman
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.
— David Letterman
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him "dear" and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.
— David Letterman
Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.
— David Letterman
All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
— David Letterman
Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'
— David Letterman
Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.
— David Letterman
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing - yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.
— David Letterman
The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
— David Letterman
In that sense, when a Bush or a Gore, or whomever, goes on David Letterman, that's the news, too.
— Frank Rich
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.
— David Letterman
Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
— David Letterman
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
— David Letterman
Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.
— David Letterman
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
— David Letterman
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
— David Letterman
There's just a big, empty football field that's supposed to be filled with monsters that I haven't even thought of.
— Rob Letterman
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
— David Letterman
John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go.
— David Letterman
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.
— David Letterman
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
— David Letterman
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
— David Letterman
The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
— David Letterman
What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.
— David Letterman
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
— David Letterman
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"
— David Letterman
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
— David Letterman
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
— David Letterman
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
— David Letterman
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.
— David Letterman
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
— David Letterman
Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
— David Letterman
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
— David Letterman
Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.
— David Letterman
The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'
— David Letterman
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
— David Letterman
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.
— David Letterman
It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.
— David Letterman
It is cold down in Washington, D.C. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
— David Letterman
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
— David Letterman
As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.
— David Letterman
Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she's twice the man Jim Bakker is.
— David Letterman
Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.
— David Letterman
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.
— David Letterman
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?
— David Letterman
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
— David Letterman
Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.
— David Letterman
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
— David Letterman
Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.
— David Letterman
I refused David Letterman's proposal of marriage for obvious reasons, but thanks for asking.
— Teri Garr
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
— David Letterman
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
— David Letterman
I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.
— David Letterman
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
— David Letterman
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'
— David Letterman
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
— David Letterman
I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
— David Letterman
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
— David Letterman
If you do your job right, no one realizes you did your job, and that's a good thing. You strive for that.
— Rob Letterman
Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.
— David Letterman
Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.
— David Letterman
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
— David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.
— David Letterman
Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.
— David Letterman
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'
— David Letterman
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
— David Letterman
Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.
— David Letterman
Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
— David Letterman
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
— David Letterman
Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?
— David Letterman
On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.
— Jimmy Kimmel
Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!
— David Letterman
Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.
— David Letterman
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.
— David Letterman
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
— David Letterman
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
— David Letterman
Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.
— David Letterman
I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.
— David Letterman
Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.
— David Letterman
