I Believe Funny Quotes

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case. — Woody Allen

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... — Ron White

A scarlet flame suffused her face. 'You are very insolent,' she said, lamely. 'I've often been told so. But I don't believe it. — Rafael Sabatini

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.
The Doctor: Believe me ... It was an accident. — Steven Moffat

I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them. — Tom Althouse

I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them. — Trevor Noah

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us. — Kinky Friedman

Brightness ... I believe you stray into sarcasm."
"Funny.I thought I'd run straight into it,screaming at the top of my lungs. — Brandon Sanderson

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks. — Sarah Silverman

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. — Alice Walker

I do like to believe there is no stupid and or funny question because in fact if we don't ask than we don't learn. — Kai Greene

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant ... because I believe in myself. — Hannibal Buress

I can't believe he's making you wait till January for an appointment."
"I could threaten to bomb the school. That'd get me in quicker. — Jeannine Garsee

You have a choice in this world, I believe, about how to tell sad stories, and we made the funny choice. — John Green

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? — Leo Durocher

But I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing
the giving of a tenth . — Ronald Reagan

I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real. — Barry Watson

Some nice lady came over here with food for us all. She claimed to be your mother. I don't believe it
you're an asshole, and she's good people. — Amy Lane

Sometimes they laugh at things I don't think are funny, but I believe if they're laughing at me, it's a good show. — Mike Tyson

Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment. — Danielle Wood

I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him. — Ben Bailey

I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing. — Bauvard

I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth. — Javier Bardem

I've done all the dumping, which is not a good thing. It's funny, because I married someone who has always done it as well. I believe I met my match. — Josh Holloway

I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff. — Tom Neff

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program. — Jeanne Calment

How am I supposed to believe you when you're obviously carrying a fake monogram Gucci Bag? — Madi Brown

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby. — Criss Jami

Of course I do, Jack! You have to beLIEve me! — Raymond Benson

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. — Woody Allen

I believe our differences are the little pinches of salt that can make the marriage seem more flavorful. — James E. Faust

I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous. — Charles Woodson

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't. — Woody Allen

I may not beleive in God, but I believe in guilt and no one wants to dick around with eternity, even if it isn't there. — Jonathan Tropper

I don't believe in magic. — J.K. Rowling

I have tried ... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies. — Dylan Moran

Yes, I believe blue material is funny, but if that's all you've got, you're dead in the water. It's not good. — Howard Stern

I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right. — George W. Bush

Funny ... I still can't believe in God." "Does that matter now?" ... "He believes in you. — A.J. Cronin

I no longer believe that just about everything is funny, if viewed from the proper angle. — Tom Perrotta

Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened. — Bill Bailey

No way!" I yelled, taking it from him.
"I can't believe I made a pink knife."
"It's so cute! I love it. Finally, a companion worthy of Tasey. — Kiersten White

I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it. — Eva Gabor

Jeffrey to Felicia - Given your peculiar fashions over the past four years, I'm afraid you've caused people to believe you're a little insane. — Jen Turano

I can't believe I've missed this sport. It's all about fingering holes and caressing balls. — K.A. Mitchell

I don't care if I'm funny. I just want people to believe I'm that guy. — Jim Piddock

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday ... unless there's a game on. — Steve Martin

I don't believe in God, don't believe in the devil. Unless you want to count my mother. She might be Satan's sister, I suppose. — Ellen Hopkins

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another. — George Gordon Byron

I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it's not a lie. — Mark Wahlberg

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. — Walt Whitman

I think religion is a funny thing because, when you see somebody who can really break it down, sometimes it feels foolish what you believe. — Kevin Costner

I love being funny! I started in the theater when I was 9 and, believe it or not, always played the funny part! — Robert Knepper

Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time. — Julia Quinn

I firmly believe that if you can't fool all of the people all of the time you should start breeding them for stupidity. - Weisshaupt — Dave Sim

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better — Milton Jones