Humor Humour Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humor Humour

Humor Humour Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humor Humour quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

My first kiss as a single woman. It sent a tingle sprinting down my spine like a tingle panther. — Rosen Trevithick

The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it. — Douglas Adams

What's proper workplace etiquette for picking up computer and tossing out window? Open window first or break glass? — Abigail Roux

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death. — Michael Bassey Johnson

The main causes for divorce
are marriages. — A.J. Beirens

Maruman does not loll. — Isobelle Carmody

Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek. — R. Curtis Venture

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. — Camilla Isley

The sun doesn't live in England; it comes here on holiday when we're all at work. — Benny Bellamacina

You cannot force someone to believe something they do not believe; you can only manage to force them to speak or act as if they do. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If I could do it all again, I would start three hundred years ago, and write twice as fast. — Peter James West

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet. — Jefferson Smith

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people — Benny Bellamacina

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

You are soft person you said. But you're soft as shit: it is very soft but stinking! — Ilze Falb

Don't know if it's good or bad that a Google search on "Big Bang Theory" lists the sitcom before the origin of the Universe — Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts — P.G. Wodehouse

Live snakes?' said one of the scribes. 'You mean-'
'Yeah,' said Locke. 'They've got scales, they slither around - snakes. Keep up. — Scott Lynch

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. — Jess C. Scott

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver. — Peter James West

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me. — Diana Wynne Jones

Eat ten of your five a day and live twice as long — Benny Bellamacina

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams? — Benny Bellamacina

I've just found out I'm allergic to nut-cases — Benny Bellamacina

There are a great many aspects to feline life, but the three most important - the Holy Trinity, if you will - are eating, sleeping and washing. — Jem Vanston

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines. — S.A. Tawks

Some people seem quite destitute a sense of humour. — George Grossmith

You make the Titanic look like a tiny little misadventure. — Gina Ranalli

Fat people are funny ... until obesity pays your loved one a visit. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Rhett: If you've made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction. — Rowena Cherry

Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one. — Virginia Woolf

The most powerful women in Sachaka and all you do is waste time gossiping and matchmaking — Trudi Canavan

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot. — Nicholas Sparks

You only get one life.
Too bad you already made a mess of it. — Peter James West

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far. — Libba Bray

All humor is rooted in pain. — Richard Pryor

Humour is the weapon of unarmed people: it helps people who are oppressed to smile at the situation that pains them. — Simon Wiesenthal

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. — Rodney Dangerfield

- Where is Polonius?
- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself. — William Shakespeare

The reason God never fails is because he fears to fail — Adelaja Precious

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths. — Rosen Trevithick

. . . confirmed libertines don't reform until they're tired . . . — F Scott Fitzgerald

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses! — Benny Bellamacina

I'm tired of the anonymity of being an unpublished author. I crave the anonymity of being self-published. — Tristan Durie

Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, police grammar on the Internet. — Ruadhan J. McElroy

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor! — Christina Scalise

Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?" asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends," says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it. — Alexander Theroux

If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler — Benny Bellamacina

A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early. — Michelle Franklin

I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father — Robert Rankin

Meg's face clouded, and I wondered if she was going to rain the way people do sometimes. — Ray Rhamey

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral. — Stephen Herfst

If it's taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift. — Benny Bellamacina

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back — Rodney Dangerfield

Old age is not just for grown up's — Benny Bellamacina

Once upon a time,
there was a Zen sign
at every small railway crossing in America

Stop. Look. And listen. — Dick Allen

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain. — Jefferson Smith

If we really exist merely to fulfill God's plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die. — Joshua Donellan

Some people respect some people only because some people respect them. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. — Samuel Johnson

Life is a Game; More you play, More you learns — Harishankar Kaushik Hsk

The ironic humor comes from the distance between what we understand about ourselves and what is truly going on in ourselves. — Robert Olen Butler

. . . Mrs. Arcanum considered foreign parts only marginally less unspeakable than private parts. . . — Terry Pratchett

The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten. — Roman Payne

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother. — Cassandra Page

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

No Matter what you're, Matter is ; What you do. — Harishankar Kaushik

Women in love are pathetic
and I cannot be bothered, for now,
I am back to metaphysics
and my armpits gather hair. — Mie Hansson

God in his infinite wisdom
Did not make me very wise-
So when my actions are stupid
They hardly take God by surprise. — Langston Hughes

Life makes fun of us and we should help it. — David Brandon

Great Gates almighty," HARV said inside my brain. "I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS. — John Zakour

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an 'idea'. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave. — Leah Broadby

Apparently, faith in life is one thing and faith in literature is another. — Gerald Weaver

Always stay one step a head, unless you're already there — Benny Bellamacina

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another. — Elizabeth Eulberg

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess. — Honeya

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!! — Gemma Halliday

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people — Tommy Cotton

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Always walk as if you're running late, it's healthier. — Benny Bellamacina

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. — James Thurber

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine. — Benny Bellamacina

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

As one veteran Russian pilot dryly told me:We have to be very careful flying in the clouds. Around here they are full of rocks. — Alan Hinkes

You put cow dung on my face?' 'Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear? — Renita D'Silva

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter ... with alliteration, no less! — E.A. Bucchianeri

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile. — Zane Stumpo

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero. — Gaurav Rao

There is nothing harder to explain than humor. — Milan Kundera

Crunches are an exercise where you lie on your back and angrily try to head-butt your crotch. — Matthew Inman

Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain. — Tayeb Salih

Achieve everything and fail at the rest — Benny Bellamacina

Nicu: It's not fair! Everybody has fangs but me, and I can't even turn into a bat properly. Sometimes when I try I end up as a sparrow! — Elias Zapple

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Don't worry about Sian," Louisa said, "things will get better."
"What, she'll stop hitting me?"
"No, but you'll stop bruising so easily. — Dylan Perry

If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first. — Honeya

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas