Henny Youngman Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Henny Youngman
Henny Youngman Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Henny Youngman quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
— Henny Youngman
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
— Henny Youngman
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
— Henny Youngman
I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.
— Henny Youngman
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
— Henny Youngman
I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
— Henny Youngman
I live about four muggings from Central Park.
— Henny Youngman
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
— Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
— Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
— Henny Youngman
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
— Henny Youngman
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
— Henny Youngman
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
— Henny Youngman
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
— Henny Youngman
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
— Henny Youngman
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
— Henny Youngman
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
— Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
— Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
— Henny Youngman
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
— Henny Youngman
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
— Henny Youngman
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
— Henny Youngman
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
— Henny Youngman
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
— Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
— Henny Youngman
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
— Henny Youngman
When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading
— Henny Youngman
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?
— Henny Youngman
He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.
— Henny Youngman
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
— Henny Youngman
My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
— Henny Youngman
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
— Henny Youngman
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
— Henny Youngman
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
— Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
— Henny Youngman
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
— Henny Youngman
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
— Henny Youngman
My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
— Henny Youngman
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
— Henny Youngman
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
— Henny Youngman
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
— Henny Youngman
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
— Henny Youngman
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
— Henny Youngman
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
— Henny Youngman
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
— Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
— Henny Youngman
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
— Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
— Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
— Henny Youngman
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
— Henny Youngman
We aim to please ... You aim too, please.
— Henny Youngman
My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.
— Henny Youngman
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
— Henny Youngman
A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology.
— Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
— Henny Youngman
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
— Henny Youngman
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
— Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
— Henny Youngman
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
— Henny Youngman
How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
— Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
— Henny Youngman
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
— Henny Youngman
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
— Henny Youngman
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
— Henny Youngman
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
— Henny Youngman
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
— Henny Youngman
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
— Henny Youngman
Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls?
— Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
— Henny Youngman
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
— Henny Youngman
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
— Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving.
— Henny Youngman
I just made a killing in the stock market I shot my broker. — Henny Youngman
What is a home without children? Quiet.
— Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
— Henny Youngman
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
— Henny Youngman
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
— Henny Youngman
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
— Henny Youngman
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
— Henny Youngman
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
— Henny Youngman
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
— Henny Youngman
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
— Henny Youngman
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
— Henny Youngman
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
— Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
— Henny Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
— Henny Youngman
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
— Henny Youngman
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
— Henny Youngman
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
— Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
— Henny Youngman