Funny You Quotes

Hide your gold, your faith and the reason of you journey. — Eduard Heine

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. — Mitch Hedberg

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us! — Katt Williams

You're 40 and he's 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn't you just adopt him? — Ann Dunham

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it. — Karl Pilkington

You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. — Katie Nolan

Finn gave a soft laugh. 'What's so funny?' 'I think you're the first person to actually apologise for inflicting pain. Usually it's someone's hobby. — Tabitha McGowan

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car. — Harvey Diamond

I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary phones and cassette tapes? I think it's cute. — T.S. Krupa

Do try The House by fresh new author, Susannah Mansfield, it's funny, sad and very different, you'll love the characters and the stories. — Susannah Mansfield

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave. — Jim Butcher

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' — Bill Bailey

I'm so careless that now i don't even care if i cared about you. — Me

I think people like comedies and I think concept driven comedies seem to be working when it's a clear concept and you deliver funny stuff. — Todd Phillips

A good time for laughing is when you can. — Jessamyn West

Writing is all about tents: sometimes you're competent, sometimes you're eloquetent. — Kevin Focke

Cats can be very funny, and have the oddest ways of showing they're glad to see you ... — W. H. Auden

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! — Jeff Foxworthy

So, funny story. There are fairies? In the Dark Woods. And I might have pissed off their king."
There was silence. Then, "Of course you did. — T.J. Klune

The funny part about Islam is; even if you rape a woman, it would be considered as her fault. — M.F. Moonzajer

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. — Sarah Mayberry

Fuck you."
"Promise? — Carole Cummings

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. — Jeff Valdez

That is a fart without wind ... in reference to when you can't back up what you say. very funny. — Faye Kellerman

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give. — Gerry Geek

See you in the funny papers, he said. Jaunty, he reminded himself; always jaunty. In my panache is their hope for salvation. — Michael Chabon

Giggler, I think I hate you most of all. — Alice Clayton

Funny thing about prayers. God hears them. But you just never know if, when, or how He's going to answer them. — Becky Wade

Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you? — W.C. Fields

The only real significance she had attached to the memory was that it was funny what stuck with you. — David Foster Wallace

Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them. — Mae West

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

How much detention did you get?
Two weeks. One per arsehole. — Stephanie Perkins

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. — Michael Summers

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious. — Caitlin Hale

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!" — Jim Gaffigan

You're impossible," she told him.
"Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. — David Eddings

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can't kiss people in the morning? — Holly Hood

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on. — Betty White

Be careful, though."
"Aren't I always?"
"No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless. — Veronica Roth

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? — Lily Tomlin

You know what's funny to me? Attitude. — Don Rickles

Funny how God offers you everything you've asked for, only to force you to turn it away. — Sunjeev Sahota

Get in my way again, boy, and you're going to learn that Velkan isn't the only one in this family who has fangs. Retta to Viktor — Sherrilyn Kenyon

You catch more flies with honey, ever heard of that?" He shrugged. "I don't like flies. They're annoying." He grinned "I'd rather catch hell. — Heather Hildenbrand

Mom, how come you never go outside?"
"I told you, I'm a vampire. — Alison Bechdel

The funny thing about prayers is you can absolutely make up your own if you want to. — Art Hochberg

Your pupils are dilated. Does that mean you want to fuck me or eat me? Because I might have a problem with one of those.
-Dex to Sloane — Charlie Cochet

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. — Jonathan Tropper

You must never imagine, that just because something is funny, it is not also dangerous. — Neil Gaiman

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously? — Jim Jefferies

I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. — Simon Sinek

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

It's funny what happens when you become a grandparent. You start to act all goofy and do things you never thought you'd do. It's terrific. — Mike Krzyzewski

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. — Caskie Stinnett

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me! — Rick Riordan

Baby, the fact that you know that's funny is going to save your whole life. — Carrie Fisher

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. — Dave Barry

I know you can be funny without being filthy. — Jonathan Winters

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. — Johnny Carson

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy. — Harriet Morgan

You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny. — Elaine Stritch

Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be, that's stupid. So be yourself — Christina Grimmie

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing. — Zach Galifianakis

What did you want me to do? Ask him for money? — Mariana Zapata

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy. — Chris Rock

Bless your heart, they don't mind
they're exceedingly
kind
They don't blame you
as long as you're funny! — W.S. Gilbert

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think? — Chris Rock

Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby". — Ronald Reagan

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. — Yogi Berra

And you look beautiful," she added.
"I look like a cake."
"But a beautiful cake. — Andrea Cremer

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run. — Milton Jones

Comedy is funny when it comes from truth, and that's always the rule of them. It's about how far you can push that boundary. — Ari Graynor

Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible! — Lewis Carroll

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it. — Jerry Coleman

Well, I don't know how to break this to you, but I think they might have noticed we broke into Gringotts. — J.K. Rowling

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." — David Letterman

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire. — M.J. McGuire

Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons. — Michael Caine

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown. — Ljupka Cvetanova

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. — Billy Wilder

You're not a loser. You're almost as smart as me, which makes you one of the smartest people on the planet. — Jules Barnard

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there — Will Rogers

Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat. — Todd Stocker

The funny thing about writing is I think a lot of people assume that you're sitting in a garret with a quill pen for hour after hour. — Lincoln Child

No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits. — Nick Hornby

You must be careful when you ask people whether they're happy; it's a question that can upset them a great deal. — Francois Lelord

What are those bulb things you're slicing?"
"You've never seen fennel? It looks like celery and tastes like licorice. — Ken Jennings

Manners, boy. I'll beat them into you if I have to. — Lori Foster

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg

I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy. — George Takei

To do something funny, you have to have experienced it in real life and digested it in a way that amuses you. — Ted Danson

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies. — Bo Burnham