
How much detention did you get?
Two weeks. One per arsehole. —
Stephanie Perkins

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. —
Brandon Sanderson

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. —
Michael Summers

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. —
Andrew Barger

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious. —
Caitlin Hale

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" —
Mitch Hedberg

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!" —
Jim Gaffigan

You're impossible," she told him.
"Of course I am," he answered. "It's part of my charm. —
David Eddings

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? —
Henny Youngman

Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can't kiss people in the morning? —
Holly Hood

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on. —
Betty White

Be careful, though."
"Aren't I always?"
"No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless. —
Veronica Roth

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? —
Lily Tomlin

You know what's funny to me? Attitude. —
Don Rickles

Funny how God offers you everything you've asked for, only to force you to turn it away. —
Sunjeev Sahota

Get in my way again, boy, and you're going to learn that Velkan isn't the only one in this family who has fangs. Retta to Viktor —
Sherrilyn Kenyon

You catch more flies with honey, ever heard of that?" He shrugged. "I don't like flies. They're annoying." He grinned "I'd rather catch hell. —
Heather Hildenbrand

Mom, how come you never go outside?"
"I told you, I'm a vampire. —
Alison Bechdel

The funny thing about prayers is you can absolutely make up your own if you want to. —
Art Hochberg

Your pupils are dilated. Does that mean you want to fuck me or eat me? Because I might have a problem with one of those.
-Dex to Sloane —
Charlie Cochet

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. —
Jonathan Tropper

You must never imagine, that just because something is funny, it is not also dangerous. —
Neil Gaiman

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously? —
Jim Jefferies

I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. —
Simon Sinek

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck. —
Jeff Foxworthy

It's funny what happens when you become a grandparent. You start to act all goofy and do things you never thought you'd do. It's terrific. —
Mike Krzyzewski

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. —
Caskie Stinnett

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." —
Frank Carson

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me! —
Rick Riordan

Baby, the fact that you know that's funny is going to save your whole life. —
Carrie Fisher

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. —
Dave Barry

I know you can be funny without being filthy. —
Jonathan Winters

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. —
Johnny Carson

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy. —
Harriet Morgan

You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny. —
Elaine Stritch

Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be, that's stupid. So be yourself —
Christina Grimmie

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing. —
Zach Galifianakis

What did you want me to do? Ask him for money? —
Mariana Zapata

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy. —
Chris Rock

Bless your heart, they don't mind
they're exceedingly
kind
They don't blame you
as long as you're funny! —
W.S. Gilbert

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think? —
Chris Rock

Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby". —
Ronald Reagan

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. —
Kristen Schaal

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. —
Yogi Berra

And you look beautiful," she added.
"I look like a cake."
"But a beautiful cake. —
Andrea Cremer

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run. —
Milton Jones

Comedy is funny when it comes from truth, and that's always the rule of them. It's about how far you can push that boundary. —
Ari Graynor

Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible! —
Lewis Carroll

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it. —
Jerry Coleman

Well, I don't know how to break this to you, but I think they might have noticed we broke into Gringotts. —
J.K. Rowling

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." —
David Letterman

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire. —
M.J. McGuire

Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons. —
Michael Caine

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown. —
Ljupka Cvetanova

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you. —
Billy Wilder

You're not a loser. You're almost as smart as me, which makes you one of the smartest people on the planet. —
Jules Barnard

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there —
Will Rogers

Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat. —
Todd Stocker

The funny thing about writing is I think a lot of people assume that you're sitting in a garret with a quill pen for hour after hour. —
Lincoln Child

No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits. —
Nick Hornby

You must be careful when you ask people whether they're happy; it's a question that can upset them a great deal. —
Francois Lelord

What are those bulb things you're slicing?"
"You've never seen fennel? It looks like celery and tastes like licorice. —
Ken Jennings

Manners, boy. I'll beat them into you if I have to. —
Lori Foster

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! —
Mitch Hedberg

I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy. —
George Takei

To do something funny, you have to have experienced it in real life and digested it in a way that amuses you. —
Ted Danson

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies. —
Bo Burnham